i find that i am immersed in some threads of reality that i cannot get away from. my mentor has been diagnosed with esophageal cancer and is to have risky surgery later this month. he has been filled with fear but trudging along as he always does- as he has shown me to do as well. i am frightened, too. i care for him deeply and don't like seeing him twisting in the wind.
my mother has been experiencing some acute pain in one of her eyes. she went to a specialist as they were thinking it might be macular degeneration. but she found out right away that it wasn't. relieved for but a second though, as she was soon told that she has a cyst on her retina. this is something i have never heard of. and if you must know, the idea of all this really scares me.
interestingly enough, i seem to move myself emotionally to a place of insecurity and fear. i cannot change these situations at all. and much to my chagrin, i cannot direct the outcomes. i have concerns and attachments. but i am happy in my life generally. and if it is left up to my own brain, i will forget that i am partially living in bliss. all this spiritual work and i try to corner myself into a place of lack.
i was working with someone who just got out of jail after 2 months. their boyfriend packed up and moved out while they were in jail and they found themselves feeling devastated and dejected. just getting released from jail and all they can see is unhappiness and bad lack. this seems a little too close to home.
since when has my home looked like this? when did i start finding unhappy comfortable? how do get rid of this habit?
today's sound choice is from 1978. barry white with "playing your game baby"
You start, you stop
You know what you got
Is what I need
Oh, yes it is
When you give it up
It's only enough
To make me say
Ooo wee...
2 comments:
I do;t know this with certainty but I think that perhaps unhappiness serves a purpose. It forces us to look at our lives, our believes, to re-evaluate who we are. Tolstoy opens Anna Karenina with a line that intrigues me, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I suspect that it is our ability to feel sorrow, to feel emotional pain, that makes each of us unique.
Your sadness is understandable; people that you love are facing health serious health issues. You are frightened that you may lose them. This isn't a weakness; it's not an inability to appreciate all of the parts of your life that are going well. It's the most human of qualities, the ability to love and care for someone other than yourself. Examine your unhappiness and place it i context but don't berate yourself for feeling the sorrow. Take care, friend.
Sheria is a wise woman. You would do well to listen to her.
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