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Saturday, November 21, 2009

on the game

Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
-- Josh Billings

i arrived in chicago without a hitch. it is wonderful to see my dear friend once again. we caught up a bit late last night and i imagine some of the same will happen today. what is overwhelming me right now is the sense of wonder that i am steeping in. i woke up and have realized that there are so many things that this beautiful person knows about me already. i don't have to explain, pretend, or define much of who i am. as with my family, he has been there when things were magnificent and he has been there when things were less than bleak.

not once has he indicated that i needed to do more (that i can remember) nor has there been a time that he has shunned me for who i am. (thank god, because i have done enough of that myself). perhaps what is the most staggering is my experience of just how accepting people can be. not all certainly- it wouldn't be that special if that were true- but indeed some people just are. knowing this, living this, and experiencing this part of life is worth the obstacle course that is required to get here. 

there is a saying i love to throw around almost as if i wrote it- which ain't the case. it says that we don't get dealt a hand that we cannot play. now that i think of it, i must sound quite pompous when i use it. note to self- find a new line... however i believe it. i think that this life is our gameboard, playing field, video game... whatever. we don't get to redo. we don't get to erase- although not for lack of trying. so it becomes the way of the warrior( borrowed phrase) to breathe good and life into our own path. if life hands you lemons, get some sugar, egg, and flour and make lemon squares for heaven's sakes. or just ice and sugar and try lemon sorbet. at least that's the working draft i have.

this business of good friends, old friends, and past history can be daunting. there are so many folks here who have seen the parts of me that are very hard to look at. at times, i know i would rather not be seen because i will perhaps see myself then and not as i am now. the sobering (pun) truth though, is that i am both. the biggest mess and the advocate. those very real, garish, and painful years were necessary to lead me to the mindset i have today.  that is the hand i have been dealt. my shift in perception with age is that there is more to life than 1 or 2 hands. it is a succession of hands all connected. keeping that focus eases immediate discomfort. and i am no longer playing to "win" because staying in the game has become "winning" for me.

sidenote- there was a time when i used to think my calling card should have been a queen of clubs... now i am completely content to be part of the game and have a visible heart....

In the game of life it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.
-- Bill Baughan

listening to today's sound choice is just as lush for me as drinking pomegranate juice. a little sweet, a little tart, but smooth and memorable. here is deadmau5 featuring kaskade with "i remember"



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