vulnerable......

i wake up today and i have several things on my mind. i bought a new car yesterday, but will be making payments on it and i worry that i may not have the money some days. i just got my old car out of the shop and i had to pay several hundred dollars for that. i need to sell that right away to cover my expenses for this next two weeks. i need to get better insurance for the new car. all of this is about money. i want to get new flooring for my house, a washer and dryer so i don't have to go to the laundromat (although i do refer to smiley's as heaven).

i hung out with a friend yesterday that i haven't seen in awhile. we used to "date" i think. no, it was never really clear though. anyway, i don't know how yesterday went. i couldn't tell. i talk incessantly when i'm nervous and so i filled the bill. it was good to see him though.

and then i have clients who are still using. and i have to let them have their process. i can't save them. never could. i can be there. and i have to speak my truth... like you cannot really have sanity when you are doing crystal. it's kinda like you cannot eat ice cream and candy when you are diabetic and hope to feel healthy and well. they don't go together- sanity and tina.

i have to remember that i will get "through" all this. i always do. and i will be okay if i don't control every outcome. and i will be okay if everything doesn't go exactly my way. and i will survive and be sane if i can't be perfect and handle everything. people will still like me. i will still own my home (unless i don't pay my mortgage). and i don't always have to be "right" in order to feel safe.

i have to dig myself out from under what is covered. dig out the better part of me.....