step four

made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

now i wonder if this inventory ever really ends. what's the crap that's buggin me? what's pissin me off? i have looked under so many rocks and found incredibly unusual and distasteful things growing. but for me it just seems that the finding of these "quirks" may go on ad nauseum. or at least in finitum. i would like to be able to report here that i have cleaned up my entire of the street and become a model citizen, but that ain't how i feel. my life is full of imperfection, full of awkwardness, and full of misinterpretation. and because of this, i am in need of taking an inventory on a regular basis. because, in my head, i will conjure up all sorts of idiotic schemes and intrigues around the simple comings and goings of people and things in my life. if i don't do an inventory and apply the rules set forth in the book of alcoholics anonymous, i run the risk of turning those schemes i conjure up into semblance of facts in my head. and then i start reacting to people and things in my life upon those "facts" and end up shitting all over myself. so i gladly take inventory regularly. it is so humbling. i get to remind myself, through my own experiences, that i am not always right. that i misstep on many occasions. that my ego will and does run rampant at almost every available opportunity.

this inventory includes actually doing an inventory of the inventory. asking questions of our attitudes and judgements and resentments. in order to qualify and categorize them. and moreover to dissolve them into the insignificant things they are. searching and fearless? these adjectives are not always my strong suit. i have to work at these. moral? now,i need guidance on this one, for sure. if left to my own designs, my morality always favors my ego's best interest. i gotta get some outside opinion. help me see what i can't see on my own. i need to figure out how to stop recreating the same situations over and over in my life. at the end of the day, if i can't see how my thoughts are affecting my behaviors, how in the world can i expect my behaviors to really change?