i came across this post on god is brown and was immediately empowered by the sheer honesty in his words. my understanding is that he writes poetry. no doubt it is emotional, imaginative, and evocative. his voice is clear and fresh and i believe this post takes me a vital step closer to a new understanding of my work these days. i work in substance abuse treatment and in hiv services and prevention. barebacking is one the top selling flavor-du-jours for the new seroconversions that we see. it is not an enormity of numbers, but the trend is disturbing. the idea is so taboo and so "not discussed" that it lends itself to this quirky, cutesy, or shall i say "hot" name (i.e. barebacking) and to "saying yes to pleasure" (which is one thing our culture is really known for and prides itself on).
but first a quote from thebody.com. again these conversations might do us all a world of good to have in the public domain and the private backyard bbq. maybe we need to be a bit more open with our feelings about sex, rather than repeat dogma. we may be more inclined to actually grow.
Also, I'm really bored with the entire issue of barebacking because even before there was a provocative name for it there was plenty of it happening. While safer sex educators and HIV-prevention specialists were flapping their arms and directing us to "use a condom every time," some of us were silently asking ourselves how the hell we were going to put a condom on the horse every time it got out of the barn. Can you actually imagine being 24 years old and hearing the words every time in a sentence? Can you imagine having sex for 60 years and using a condom every time? Uh huh. Neither can I. www.thebody.com
It’s been years since I believed in a vengeful supreme being with the potential and propensity to strike us down every time we break a rule or cross a line. I grew up believing that rib-created Eve took an apple and convinced her clay-made Adam to take a bite out of it. According to the story as I was taught, it’s because of Adam’s weakness, Eve’s deceitfulness (misogyny, anyone?) and the disobedience of the two of them that we are condemned to a paradise-less life.
The one bite created an avalanche of human suffering that will either end when Jesus comes back, the 100,000 or so are lifted or the Easter Bunny jumps out a bush and eats us. All we have to do now is sit tight, wait and above all… obey. Right.
Even with the absence of religion and fear in my life I continue to live in a world of serpents and forbidden apples. Call me Eve or Adam but sometimes a boy just needs to take a bit out of a plump and juicy ass. An act which, until relatively recently was punishable by law. OK, maybe not biting the ass, but certainly fucking it. So the sodomy law is gone, we celebrated, got drunk, made sure we penetrated the Supreme Court decision deep into each other. And every single one of us did so with a condom (right!), because fucking without one is the apple none of us can bite. We all know that to do so is an abomination and one of our remaining sins, even for those of us that no longer believe in sin… we know the punishment.
Now, I’m not trying to be sarcastic just for the sake of being sarcastic. I’m not trying to dismiss or belittle the importance and validity of condom use. I’m not questioning the role of prevention and education in our communities. And I’m certainly not challenging the need for us to eradicate HIV and other STD’s from our bodies.
As a (not so young anymore) Queer Xicano I have spent the last 10 years looking for my ancestors, many lost because of HIV/AIDS. I have dedicated myself professionally, artistically, academically and personally to supporting a movement to create a world free from such atrocities. Not a day goes by that I do not remember that through my veins flows the same virus that flowed through the veins of my ancestors.
I must confess, however, that I am disappointed and saddened by some of the ways that we’re going about things.
Coming of age as a young fag I was bombarded by messages telling me to be “responsible,” to “love myself,” and to “do the right thing.” It was made very clear to me from the beginning that:
1. I probably shouldn’t fuck around with too many guys, in fact, one should suffice; and
2. if I was going to be ‘promiscuous” I must always wear a condom.
But, nobody really explained why. Sure, there were the images of death, the stories of the ravaging effects HIV/AIDS has had in our communities and the loss of too many of my brothers. Yet, even with these explanations there remained an underlying tone reminiscent of my mother’s “Because I said so” days.
Today the messaging continues to be deeply engrained with moralistic statements about doing the right thing as if there is always one right way. Being in abusive relationships, negotiating power dynamics, trying to keep a roof over your head, figuring out your next meal… all are irrelevant. The bottom line: wear a condom, period.
If you’re negative, better stay that way. If we’re positive, we better remember that the responsibility of all those innocent negative people rests on our shoulders. After all, we’re the vectors of the disease. Hardly the sex-positive culture queer liberation efforts had in mind.
But then there are exceptions. Some people are unable to make the right choice because of their battles with addictions, some people down right hate themselves, some people hate everyone else, some people have serious psychological issues and then there are those that run around with the whole package of reasons. After all, why else would you make the wrong choice?
Certainly not because it feels good. No, that can’t be. We can never admit to such blasphemous ideas. We can’t have people running around thinking for themselves, questioning our morals, putting themselves in danger (negative folk) or endangering others (positive folk). After all, pleasure is not something we bring up when talking about sex, unless it’s to encourage people to make the right choice.
I’m not saying that self-destructive behaviors do not exist. I realize our choices are not always the ones with the greatest consequences and I certainly agree that substance use has the potential of clouding our judgment. Yet, I also don’t think it’s that simple.
My entire life people have told me what to do. From believing this country has always believed in freedom and liberty for all to the idea that Jesus was actually as insane as Paul would have us believe. It took me a couple of decades to realize that freedom and liberty for all has always had its small print and Jesus was actually a pretty cool dude that got a bad rap from Paul’s fucked up anti-women, anti-fag, anti-everyone-that-thought-independently writings. Similarly, I’ve stopped believing that morals-based prevention is actually that effective and conducive to human liberation. I’m no longer interested in buying the idea that wearing a condom is the right thing to do because it’s responsible, because Jesus said so or because not doing so implies that I hate myself and everyone around me.
So barebacking has become a fad. Sometimes I wonder if it’s really that exciting because it just feels better or if the experience (or thought of it!) is enhanced by the fact that fucking someone without a barrier is prohibited and punishable by gay law.
We have invested so much into narratives that claim that to love ourselves and each other is to do the right thing (wear a condom). Fear and damnation has only taken us so far and at times dragged us back a few steps. I can’t help but wonder what this world would look like if we took the time to develop narratives about how we are actually worth loving.
I don’t know of a solution and I don’t know that I will ever really figure one out. But I do enjoy thinking about what could be if we stopped condemning each other and started loving one another and sharing what we know not because we want to force people to make the decision we have declared as the right one, but because we all deserve more than a “because I said so” approach.
Who knows… maybe there’s some power behind creating a culture that nurtures and thrives on sex-positive, self-loving and informed queer men.
Until then…
so i say- who needs meth.... i'll take lorenzo
this is backtrackin. and it certainly qualifies for a dance hall days post. but i just couldn't resist here. please forgive me. it's just a different name. vicious... eh?
2 comments:
Barebacking as a trend is hardly new. It's just that a whole new wave of Entitlement Generation fags and older (35+) ones with internalized homophobia and survivor guilt have grown to outnumber those of us who saw a generation of the bravest and most beautiful among us drop like flies. You remember any big city in the early 80's, any ghetto; Castro, Santa Monica Blvd., Christopher Street and others. You couldn't walk a block without being reminded that the most intimate sacrament we share was killing our brothers. One day they'd be fine. The next they'd be gone. I clearly remember the first time someone I was close to was diagnosed. He was off in Palm Springs working on a film. I had seen him the week before. 6'2", blond, blue-eyed, handsome. He worked as a hand model for Sears frequently. Those beautiful MAN HANDS on Craftsman tools? were his. And the nicest man I'd ever known. Born and raised in Iowa and midwestern through and through. No ego whatever.
Like I said, healthy one week; barely hanging on to life at the Eisenhower Medical Center the next. I managed to keep it together all the way to P.S., during the whole visit and all the way home to West Hollywood. But, after I got in my apartment and shut the door, I cried as I have never cried before or since.
Even then there were those whose self-loathing prompted them to submit themselves to extremes like being the receptacle of the infected ejaculate of as many HIV+ men as they could fit in the room at once. They called themselves 'bug chasers' back then. It's the same thing today. Only the generational difference has caused a new wave of men who hate themselves but feel entitled to anything they want without obligation and who didn't watch all those wonderful and brave men die such horrible deaths, to glamorize suicide and repackage it as something erotic.
To quote Miss Edie Beale, "It's the most horrible, atrocious thing ever to happen in America."
no, sex without a baggie is not new at all. i am just hoping that a conversation can be rekindled in some sort of new framework. i think that equating man to man physical intimacy with death and danger is poisonous. maybe it would be a better approach to discuss all the options frankly in lieu of forcefeeding just one.
this is only an approach, it's not legislation.
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