i am trying to actually compost all the thoughts and feelings i have about living as a gay poz man in denver. my life is not at all complicated. i am supported in almost every way. except for one way. i don't have the opportunity to see myself in others very openly. i work in a clinical setting now and before that i worked in an hiv support job, so i have been consistently been out in every sense of the word with absolutely no repercussions.
i had brunch with a group of poz men yesterday and was introduced to another experience there. someone said to the group that they preferred not to disclose their status because they could lose their job. and then another person mirrored that and said that they were employed by the school system and would also be in danger of losing their employment. i don't know why i find this so surprising, but i most certainly do.
i am not going to go to the place where i feel guilty because i don't have to hide. no, but i really cannot even fathom what that is like anymore. and i certainly can't believe that this is acceptable. but if i really think about it, it probably is more the norm here than a fluke. and this really disturbs me. how is it okay that a poz gay man in 2007 has to be concerned about acceptance of his infection (or his being for that matter) in this civilized society? does it make someone uncomfortable somehow? try living with the virus and the medication regimen for a while. that's something to deal with. but thinking about someone else is problematic? it can cause the loss of employment? are children at risk in a school environment? or are they more at risk of becoming bigots?
i also know that it is really not commonplace for people meeting in public places to discuss hiv status. it is just not part of the conversations i have, or that i hear around. this is disturbing also because when i was a bit more involved with the "going out" scene, i was never asked by a potential hookup either. i think it is either taboo or it is off the radar. this is so foreign to me and i don't understand at all. is it not okay for the people who are poz to discuss it? if you don't ask some one's status, how will you know? do you expect them to tell you? if it's not discussed, do you assume they are negative? do you assume everyone is positive? does it make the negative guys uncomfortable? do they not care about hiv or the guys who deal with it? isn't it a negative guy's responsibility to try to remain hiv negative? do they consider it someone else's problem? i would love some insight into this. why would i want to find out if i was positive if it meant i couldn't talk about it? i mean, is this a deterrent to getting into treatment? do people know they are less likely to get infected with a person in treatment than with a poz guy who doesn't know or who isn't on meds? it seems there is actually logic in having ignorance about ones' health. this seems insane to me, but it's understandable.
one of our next tasks is to hold a social event for positives in denver. the plan is to have a dance and some installations that promote the idea that it's hip to know your hiv status and to talk about it. and also that being positive doesn't affect a person's ability to contribute to the community in a healthy way. i have tossed around the idea of having a costume party with a military uniform theme. then the tag line could be "do ask, do tell". masks might be given out and then at a certain time, symbolically people will be asked to unmask.
if you are reading this from another city, you may not understand that being in the closet about hiv is a norm in this town. but it seems it may be. what if we hold a dance and no one comes? what if people are too intimidated to participate? then our work is really cut out for us. this event has been okayed and we have a budget. we just have to find the inspiration and the help to make it happen. and what if no one wants it? can that be? can i say a little prayer on this? if this is the home of the brave, just who are the brave? .......do ask..... do tell.....
4 comments:
To be honest I think the vast majority of the discretion is self-imposed, and the result of shame even if the men involved would vociferously deny it. Under the Americans With Disability Act, you can't lose your job for being HIV, and most states and big cities also protect one for being fired for being gay.
I used to ALWAYS mention I was Poz to every sexual partner, and found I was for many years in the minority. I think most guys will not mention it for fear of rejection-I've always been delighted to support anyone negative staying so-though always cautioned them not to depend on someone else's testimony of negativity as being someone definitive.
Frankly, I'm sick of all the internalized homophobia. We have met the enemy and he is us. And it starts at home--many of the fired-fearing man are the same who still won't come out to their parents. How can we expect change when we cater to the perception that what's "wrong" is our sexuality, instead of their ignorance?
The short answer is that there's nothing different about Denver. I think the behavior you describe is fairly, unfortunately, typical.
good point marc- in hindsight i should have probably paused before i posted. my real objective is to create a safer environment for people who are poz and for people who may not yet know. it is smarter to be engaged in care than in denial, but if there is not an agreement field present that supports that, no one will want to find out.
These are so much a series of complicated questions, I don't think I can answer them. If it came to losing a job, which is illegal here in Seattle, Washington, I'd keep it a secret. That is a hard practicality and not a personal deficiency. However, I'm out everywhere I go. It sort of shows with me. But, my personal life is my business and can be kept to myself, because I choose to whom I share these items. Nobody is entitled to even ask my status, if we meet and remain on a friendship or working relationship. Sexually, I never ask. I don't use condoms unless asked to. The only reservation regarding your party idea is that too much is centered around HIV+ for HIV+ people. There are so many support groups--all good--but few occasions for HIV+ people to party without having to make a statement. How about a party for poz folks which is simply a great party? Let them leave their status at the door. The incessant "making an issue" of status, especially when done for supportive reasons" is oppressive. Often, some one's poz status makes someone else, who is pro-poz oriented, quite powerful. Let's be honest: HIV was the best thing for the gay elite's acquisition of power and wealth.
i am in agreement with most of your response. i differ though, on the poz for poz thing. there are not so many support groups here. most long term survivors have disengaged from the aso organizations because of the changes in those. and i personally think that depression in many stages is a real factor in survival. and it goes unchecked by peer support. this is survival alone, and will lead to aging alone and aging back into the closet. i hope i'm making sense here. and there needs to be safe harbor in denver for people who are not in care or not yet in care in a climate that doesn't promote talking about hiv.
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