hi my name is warrior scout and i am an addict. i have said these words countless times over the last few years. and they have become a mantra of sorts for me. i need never forget where meth has taken me. it doesn't seem an issue today, because grace has delivered me from the hell i knew with tina, but really it wasn't so long ago when i struggled with even being able to say that phrase-"i am an addict". i guess it took a long time to let go of the idea of using successfully again. i think i had held the concept that i can get high when i want to for so long that it just took some time to reverse that. i no longer believe that meth is within my grasp.
what became hard for awhile after that was the lack of sexual activity that happened when not using meth. i mean, i had engaged in so much sex with so many people that to cut that out was completely like science fiction in its immediate disappearance and i was then left to look at my relationship with casual sex in its entirity. like it or not, that is really a bit like castration for a gay man. i mean, most gay men are intrinsically linked to their sexual prowess and are advocates for the casual encounter. but, i don't have to be concerned with the rest of gay men. only me. and i still really dig sex, i just no longer want to have it anonymously, or for no reason other than itself, or in place of conversation.
but one of the really strange rings of fire to walk through in the gay community is to be in recovery and remain vitally gay. i mean socially gay, and sexually gay, and politically gay. self medication is a gay past-time and is the norm in our world. at least in the cities. to be a gay man in recovery is a quirk. you are immediately separate from the pack. and it takes some courage to walk thru that fear. especially when your choice of abstinence may trigger fear and paranoia in another self medicating queer. and hurt feelings may ensue.
i am hoping somehow to help create a bridge for recovery in our community, at least here in denver. i want to normalize letting go of partying and putting one's life in order. i think it's a highly motivated, life affirming type of action to engage in. i hope the gay men's community can agree someday. and i hope i can assist others in this quest.
2 comments:
That has been quite the journey for me as well. Learning that the quantity of sex is not what defines my sex life, but the quality of it, and that how much sex I do or do not have is not what determines my degree of gayness. I still love sex, but the drive to find it and have it has become blessedly right-sized. At the same time, I manage to be grateful for knowing exactly what it is like to live in complete hedonism. There is no part of me that still wonders what it is like, whether it is the secret to happiness. It is, definitively, not.
Oh, and it's nice that I no longer diss as hopelessly bourgeois the idea that sex at its best is an expression of love. Doesn't have to be, but is sure is nice when it is.
wow marc- that is really nicely said. i too, dove into hedonistic waters and don't regret the swim. i just never could figure out how to get out of the water before the big fish got there.
today, i feel so differently about life. the hookups that used to be my primary purpose have become extinct really. i have my sights set on something new.
hey staggo- do you know how thankful i am that you visit me everyday?
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