delicious ambiguity

more will be revealed

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

Gilda Radner



good call gilda. thanks for sharing. there are so many levels of truth to this statement. the most simplest of which is the mere fact that as i get older, i realize how much less i know than i thought. i seem to understand more that i really know less and i am more comfortable in the unknowing.

i think when i was much younger i felt as if i knew quite a bit. but life has demonstrated a tradition of revealing what could be considered blows to my ego. things i never expected and was not at all ready to even consider came my way. and i couldn't believe my eyes most times, let alone handle or walk through these wakemares.

but mishandle and stumble through this life is what i have done. with the grace of a bull in a china shop, with the finesse of a butcher in surgery, and with the understanding of a neanderthal in a library, i have fucked up a lot a whole lot of things. and i have done this over and over again. i didn't do that with everything, but certainly with enough situations to cause fear and trauma and eventual humility. and my acceptance and understanding of this process has grown.

so you'd think after all these mishaps in the span of my years, that i would have a complete handle on my inability to really understand anything about life. but not so. i still find myself struggling to pigeonhole a situation, an encounter, a transaction, a conversation, a first impression. and many times there is validity in my perception. but mostly, i am surprised as time reveals more truths.

so i must too concede, i can't know it all. as the experience of life mellows me, i find i'm becoming more okay with that fact. i expect surprise and can be delighted. even better, i'm not so disappointed at regular intervals, either. for any of the readers who are struggling with sobriety, or staying clean, or making a conscious life change of any sort, let me share this bit of my experience with you. i have worked diligently at embracing change. i have pursued options. i have suited up and shown up whenever possible. i have doused the flames of my ego at every possible turn when i could catch it. and it is different. i don't know who i am sometimes which is both a curse and a blessing. delicious ambiguity. i can look myself in the mirror. i am developing trust in myself again. i am asking for help. and i am expecting surprise. this is truly a state of grace for me. i don't know why this is, and i'm okay with that. i'm content in not knowing.