rambler

this weekend denver is hosting the cocaine anonymous colorado state convention. i volunteered at registration for about 4 hours on saturday after work. i do so much better at those things when i have a job to do. it is much easier for me to have a purpose in a crowd than to just be one of the masses. it was always that way for me at a party or a club too. i would rather be doing than being.

i talked to over a hundred people today. my social skills are polished compared to some, but not at all perfect. i struggle with saying the right things on many occasions, i struggle with listening sometimes, especially if people are slow talkers, roundabout talkers, or give too many details when relaying a story. i guess i have add because i lose track so quickly. i know it must seem to others that i am a caustic bitch, which i can be at times, but mostly it is that i actually have some difficulty listening. i have always just figured i am selfish, but now i wonder if it is something else. or maybe i'm hoping it's something else.

don't get me wrong, it's not so bad that i'm going to take meds for it. but it is noticeable enough that it's distracting sometimes for me. take today for example: in a class i teach there is a student who eagerly participates. he speaks in monotone and gives many details when he is sharing. i am thrilled that he is engaged. and i know that it helps his program to be engaged. but truth be told, i disengage slightly while he's talking because i know it's going to be the circuitous route that we take to get to his destination. i "check out" automatically and just wait for a break in the talk to move on. one reason is because i have an agenda, a curriculum i need to move through and because we have a time constraint, but also because i'm sure that the rest of the class is probably on a similar page and i want to be supportive.

then skip to the cognitive skills group i facilitate. it is for folks who are quitting their crystal use and staying clean and we discuss different techniques to use like thought stopping, examining motivation, reviewing behaviors, and normalizing change. again, there is a curriculum involved. now i realize that some discussion is needed. actually required for people to stay involved in the learning process and the group setting demands interaction of a strong sort. but there has to be some attention paid to the curriculum or there is no point being in the group in the first place. it could be a different group. now, i don't know if any of you have ever tried to hold the attention of a half dozen or so folks who are recently coming off tweak, but there are some challenges involved. it is oftentimes reminiscent of the aviary over at the zoo. and it's not easy to reign them in. the camaraderie of this group is essential to their success. but that scattered conversational style and nervous jocularity to fit in has become a communication style, too. that's the nature of meth. and that's the nature of meth addicts. but, it's my job to offer another perspective. it's my job to show them value in focusing. to create desire around change, and instill the importance of learning how to do create change and sustain it. but their brains are still run by the "feel good" centers. they lack discipline.

i actually love what i am doing today with my days and my life. i honestly do believe that all the shit i have waded thru and endured has been for a reason. and this is the reason. to share my experience with others and help them on their journey. i only worry that if i can't learn to listen better, i won't know which shit to share.