holding on to faith

i am at a point in time when i have to let go of something. but what do i set free? and what do i hang on to?

i'm writing this after a very long day. i took a coupla hours off today to work on a gig that happens once a year. it's fun to do because it's so unlike what i do the rest of my time. no one needs me emotionally. i get to laugh, cajole, and kinda be carefree. but today that wasn't really the case. someone i care deeply for was there and was taking some verbal potshots at me. now this is someone i have history with. i embezzled money during my last binge and broke our trust. but he didn't call the police, and i paid him back in full within 4 months. i made a full apology, and i thought i had made an amends.

but today, was rife with innuendo about me stealing a client from him, about my general demeanor, it was really not pleasant. somehow, i am letting it bother me. but, truth be told, i am sort of numb. i am stuck in some emotion that is not even about today. it's about something a long time ago. it's very familiar, but it's not current. i feel change in the air for me somehow. it's not frightening or scary, but it's powerful. and i think i am preparing myself somehow for this change. or at least i hope i am.

god i guess this is vague. firstly, i want to remind myself and others that just because i have given up unattractive behaviors for the most part, doesn't mean they go away. and just because i do a lot- intensely a lot of work on myself and my recovery, doesn't mean that other people in my life do the same. it is a challenge sometimes in my sobriety to face pettiness, envy, cattiness, belittling behavior. but it happens on a daily basis, sometimes on an hourly basis. people have no obligation to be honest, mature, or travelling on the same spiritual path as myself for any reason. and i sit in the other room and i am quietly churning over the events of the day, i begin to know that this is not healthy for me. there is nothing i can change at this point in time. the day is over. the events have unfurled. the only thing i can change now is my perspective.

so this brings me to the close of my day and the 10th step:

10th Step Guidelines
It's a good idea to start with a prayer. For example:

"God, please help me review my day. Please grant me the willingness to see what you would have me see, in the light you would have me see it: free from morbid reflection, fear, obsessive guilt, and dishonesty."

The following guide is drawn verbatim from Alcoholics Anonymous (pp. 84-86):

1. Was I resentful?

2. Selfish?

3. Dishonest?

4. Afraid?

5. Do I owe an apology?

6. Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once?

7. Was I kind and loving toward all?

8. What could I have done better?

9.Was I thinking of myself most of the time?

10. Or was I thinking of what I could do for others, what I could pack into the mainstream of life?

11. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.

At all times we continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up we:

1. Ask God at once to remove them.

2. We discuss them with someone immediately.

3. And make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.

4. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.

5. We then thank the universe that we didn't get high today. We found a new way to get through the day.

love the message here- don't give up on your faith.
love comes to those who believe it.