the term double edged sword would accurately describe the provincetown roundup which is coming up. i am so ready for a few days getaway. i put quite a bit of my energy into both my work and my community service efforts, and i can use a break. but i also hold some reservations about how the experience is going to be for me. firstly, i don't necessarily connect to the original 12 step fellowship. alcohol wasn't the issue that brought me to my knees and when i went to some meetings early on, my impression was not that positive. i don't necessarily feel that way now, but i still have a stronger connection to other fellowships and the ptown roundup is based on one fellowship. of course, it can be said that alcoholism is the same disease no matter what your drug or booze of choice is. and that seems very true in my mind.
but there's the issue of all those gay guys. historically, that's not my safety zone. i have always felt that secret sadness induces cattiness, and my tribe is chock full of that. i have never felt emotionally safe around gay men. my feeling is that most of us are waiting to rip each other to shreds to make ourselves feel better. and please know that i am not separating myself here. i am definitely including myself in this mix. it's just not my favorite river to swim in. yes, i do try to look at it as an opportunity. that doesn't make it any less troublesome to maneuver. that's precisely why it's imperative for me to attend. i need to walk through this fear. i need to take this dark road. i need to have hope that something good will happen.
all these concerns and worries and fears. oh my! what i do need is a getaway. a respite. and a way to let these things go. let them drift away. help myself move forward a little and become yet a little more comfortable in my own skin. and i can always use some inspiration to reignite and invigorate my own program of wellness and recovery.
back to the upside. 12 step workshops, good food, sea air, common purpose, boyfriend scouting, fellowship, a chance to bond with a couple of new friends, discount shopping(end of season), rest. and frankly, this really reminds me of some of the better circuit parties i attended. but definitely minus the drugs and booze, and with an intention of spiritual growth added in. the good looking men are an afterthought.(wink) and as a wise friend lovingly reminded me, i can expect wondrous happenings. i just don't get to design them. (damn!) after all, i really do need to get away... work hard, play nice, do for others, and find grace.
gimme the beat boys
and free my soul
i wanna get lost
in your rock'n'roll
and drift away.
6 comments:
Boy do I get ya, with the not feeling emotionally safe around gay men! I hope you're experience in P'town is a positive one. If anything, it'll be beautiful at this time of year. You're not the first person, I've heard say that 12 steps wasn't their thing. My Father is what they called a 'dry drunk.' He quit drinking, but never got counseling and couldn't relate to the meetings. As a result he was a grump (and sometimes I'd guiltily pray that he'd just get drunk so he would be jolly again). But it seems like you've got a good grasp on what method of healing works for you. At least that's how you come across.
hey steve, i am sorry if i misled you. i actually love the 12 steps and the power they unleash. it's actually more i feel a bond with 12step fellowships other than the original one. when i was first seeking my solutions, i found judgement, criticism, and seperatism in the rooms of that fellowhip that i visited and that just wasn't appealing to me nor was i healty enough to have boundaries around any of that. but i wholeheartedly love the 12steps and i think they do deliver a person to a much more spiritual state of mind.
Oh honestly, Fred.
1) Gay AA in Boston is well over 50% primarily meth users, I assure you. The divide between AA and CMA is minimal.
2) There will be CMA meetings there, I'm speaking at one.
3) Gay men are much kinder towards strangers than their friends. They won't know us enough to dish us. We'll get to be a blank slate on which they project their fondest desires.
We'll have a blast.
Figures I misunderstood! LOL.
I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how well your spiritual evolution travels. I have nothing to base that belief on but a feeling. What if you try feeling that way too! Or maybe you should just make having a good time your job. Sometimes that works for me though lately I've been obsessing on getting a real job. And as for mean gay people... just have a camera on you at all times. No one can be mean to you if your taking their picture. (although that may not work in a meeting what with the anonymity and all)
In Alanon there's a saying: "What you think of me is none of my business." If you are generally a kind person, and you know you conduct yourself as such, if someone is going to say catty or rude things about you, so what? That's not a reflection of who you are but who they are.
I say, as long as they're funny about it, insult me all you want. (I can give as good as I get.) Everyone can hear the difference between affectionate and mean-spirited.
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