say it today

i sing to myself in the shower every morning. it's one of my daily spiritual practices. and that's all i can do is practice. it is not about being perfect. i am not a great singer. i sing to remind myself that i am alive. i sing to remind myself to love myself. because i need to be loved. and i sing because i don't have to feel that dreadful, desperate, self-loathing that i felt for years when i was lost in my hopeless, always using, always pick-me-up and drop kick me days. i have found a freedom. and i didn't get here on my own volition. i am not self propelled (although i find this perspective needs to be re-established on an almost daily basis). i operate better when i am higher powered.


i run the perimeter of city park some mornings as the sun is coming up. on those days i witness a multitude of stars and constellations and then watch as they fade into a new blanket of light. this is something i am not involved with except on a spectator level. this takes place with or without me. i love the idea that i can connect to a power greater than myself. much of my innate loneliness is addressed. i also know it requires me to really admit and be secure in the fact that i don't have any real answers. i do understand, however, that i trust my intuition. i don't always trust my reactions, but i do trust its existence and its intention. sometimes i see people express themselves in ways that i find undeniably spiritual, authentic, and higher powered. i get chills sometimes when i hear patti sing. and i empathize when i hear her share her experience about loss and around sharing with others you love who may be ill that you love them. say it today, don't wait. and that's what i'll do today. i'll let the people i love know that i do love them.

You are my friend,
I never knew it ‘til then
My friend, my friend

You hold my hand,
You might not say a word
But I see your tears when I show my face

You're--- my, my friend
I never knew it ‘til then
My friend
I feel your love,
When you're not near
It helps me make it knowing you care

The thought of you helps me carry on
When I feel all hope is gone
I see the world wit brand new eyes
Your love has made me realize
My future looks bright to me,
Oh because you are my friend
Da, da, da, da (ad lib)

I've been looking around and you were here all the time.
Da, da, da (ad lib)
I've been around and around and around and around
Da, da, da
I've been looking around and you were here all the time

have a wonderful sunday. i'm having coffee with some new friends (a group of poz gay men) earlier in the day. then i'm off to the pumpkin ranch in greeley with some other friends and their kids to let them have fun. there's a board meeting for the roundup (our halloween fundraiser is on the 27th) and a 40th birthday party for a friend. full schedule for a sunday. it is a real departure from tweaker town where all i did was engage in the same activities over and over or become too paranoid to even participate in those. here's hoping for good weather, albeit perfect for sweaters.