photo credit ether elgia
Anyone who cannot come to terms with his life while he is alive needs one hand to ward off a little his despair over his fate... but with his other hand he can note down what he sees among the ruins.
Franz Kafka
a while back i posted about an encounter in ptown i had with a beautiful stranger. i came across this photo treatment and was struck by its meaning and because it looked familiar. i couldn't place why until tonight. it looks like the man i met as he was hitting on me that night. i mean he didn't look like this on the outside at all, he was actually quite handsome. but as i chatted with him early into the morning, layer upon layer of things became more visible until i realized he was broken. the really insane part for me was that i remained close to him because i thought i could be helpful. this is part of my illness. this is part of my broken thinking.
yes marc, i have started alanon. i had my first meeting last week. i am going to try to make 3 meetings a week for awhile. i need to let go of a lot of extra baggage i didn't even know that i had. here's one example: i had been ridiculed in 5th-8th grade for being a "faggot" almost every day in school. and then i was secretly hit on by many of the boys a year or two older than me after school was over and had sex of some sort with many of them. i honestly believe this has done some damage i didn't realize. "tricking" became such a natural progression in the mid-70's. anonymous sexual encounters were utilitarian and probably easier to handle. i had a 2 year relationship but its ending was not pretty. and 5 years aftet that i tested positive and i put any relationship ideas in the back of my mind's cellar. i was 27 then, and i haven't grown in this area for 22 years now. kinda pathetic. hopefully not hopeless though. my skewed perceptions of how relationships work is in need of repair. i will try 12step first, and then therapy if the former is not helpful. i somehow need to be freed of the thoughts of not deserving healthy partners and the co-dependent craziness of fixing broken ones. i hope i am learning whatever i am supposed to learn out of all this and can move forward with this part of my life. some things are better left on the shelf. better yet, put out to be taken away. it doesn't work to carry them around any longer. i guess i still am one of the clowns. isn't it rich?
5 comments:
I'm on a crusade against people abusing themselves through language. "Isn't it pathetic" "I'm a clown." You need to be as compassionate to yourself as you are routinely with others. That's what Alanon is all about, among other things. If you've grown up with alcoholism, that kind of thinking has become second nature, because kids always blame themselves for everything. Those survival tools have long since stopped serving you.
AA and Alanon use the same 12 steps, it's just the character defects you examine and let go of in Alanon tend to be more about how you (dis)relate to other people. Work on those, and you'll keep unblocking God's love, and when you love yourself, watch how your romantic relationships change.
By the way, I think you handled Mr. Hot 'n Broken in Ptown very well. You listened, you didn't take advantage, you were THERE. No a reason in the world to add that encounter to the "Rod Beat Myself Up" List. You need to shorten THAT one, RIGHT AWAY. Hell, throw out that list entirely. Why don't you start a "Why Rod is Lovable" List? You don't have to share it, but just starting it is an act of affirmation.
Once again you have nailed it. Without really knowing how to express it, I have that same tendency to want to fix the brokenness in other people's lives. It amazes me how often your posts cut through layers of bullsh!t to address issues in my life. The truth hurts, but I'd rather be hurt than deluded (most of the time!)
HORROR
Three years ago I was wandering around [mental hospital] completely shattered physically, emotionally and spiritually. The mental torment I was experiencing was absolutely terrifying. Every waking second, I was having horrifying images from my past. I thought I was being punished for my past sins. My whole life flashed before my eyes and I felt I had failed miserably in my journey through life. The whole experience was an awakening [THE LONG DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL] a metamorphosis. God was slowly penetrating the shield I had put up all those desperate years. I had no “I” - that is what God wanted for me, to become Christ cantered, not “I” cantered [in retrospect]. There is nothing in this world, but the saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. He eventually delivered me from my HELL; when I got down on my knees and asked Him for mercy, and forgiveness for my sins. Praise the LORD!!
I, MICKY, AM A GIFT TO ALL PEOPLE!!
Oh Mickey. What are we to do with you?
I can think of a million reasons why Rod is lovable.
First I want to say I love this post. It's me too.
Second, what Marc said to you (Rod) sounds just like something you would say to me.
Interesting isn't it?
Around it goes. Healing I mean.
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