coming out of the dark

i realized today that i have been experiencing some ptsd. when i was 10 or so i became sexually active with a couple of boys in my neighborhood. i dare not say molested because they were only a couple of years older than me. after the 1st experience with them, they proceeded to tell everyone in school i was a queer- a faggot- and that i had done things to them. i could hear people talking about me many times which would then shush when i came into view. this scenario was repeated when i was a freshman in high school after we had moved to a chicago suburb. these life altering experiences terrorized me and tormented me for several years to follow. (now mind you, i had been molested before these incidents, too. i am told that these later behaviors that i speak of are classic ptsd symptoms- a person who experience traumas oftentimes engages in activities that set them up to be re- victimized and experience additional traumas. this could help explain why i sought refuge in drug use.)

when i read that depraved note, i went into that dark space i have been in so many times before in my mind. i couldn't think straight. i was silently screaming my brains out. i drifted in and out of paranoia and couldn't trust anyone. it has been so challenging for me these last few days. luckily i have done some work on myself with a therapist in that area and now can remember that i am no longer that humiliated little boy being called "faggot" in earshot of so many with nowhere to run and no one to comfort me. i have grown and can get through this. it does take time though. time and purposed effort.

i feel safer today. thank heaven for that... i bought myself roses and put them on my desk at work. they did make me feel like someone loved me.

here are 3 symptoms of ptsd according to seeking safety:

Symptoms fall within three categories:

Intrusion

Intrusion symptoms are vivid episodic "flashbacks" or memories of the trauma. They reoccur unexpectedly and are often accompanied by painful emotions that may take over a person's attention, sometimes to the point where the person feels as though they are reliving the event or experience.

Avoidance

Avoidance symptoms generally affect relationships with others as the traumatized person may feel “numb” or have diminished emotions. The person may also avoid close personal ties with family, friends and colleagues.

Hyperarousal

Hyperarousal symptoms cause sudden emotional outbursts, even when unprovoked. People with hyperarousal may have a constant feeling that danger is near, causing an exaggerated startle response. They may also experience trouble concentrating or remembering current information, have terrifying nightmares, or may develop insomnia

if you want to learn more about pstd please click here

once again i say i'm so thankful it's progress not perfection...understanding all this takes time and patience. i am exhausted today from cycling through all this. i am humiliated, i am humbled, i am somewhat frightened, i am unsteady. but i am also relieved that the light at the end of this particular tunnel is in view. i am also somewhat skeptical about posting this, but i know my intention is to share my experience in order that it may assist another in some way.

i almost opted for "i'm only human" by the human league today, but opted for this choice for the vid. this is crossposted at queer deviations