"until another addict can get you to see how fucked you are, you're really fucked" courtesy of my sponsor
an acquaintance of mine called me this week out of the blue. we exchanged voice mails and finally got a chance to talk last evening. he had recently relapsed and was smoking meth for about a week. he was attempting to stop and had managed to do so for a couple of days.
we chatted for awhile and i helped him laugh a bit. the topic of wanting sex came up and it wasn't surprising. meth can be a great equalizer (along with other substances) in getting rid of inhibitions and sane judgement. but more so in my mind, is this idea that so many gay men (or maybe men in general) are validated emotionally somehow by having a good romp.
a good boink (and even not-so-great) can be validating, but it is as fleeting as a 50's rotating color wheel on a silver tree. it doesn't last.
i encouraged him to call me more to check in, but time will tell if that's in the cards for him. i also encouraged him to find something that he could pour a bit of his soul into. he had verbal comebacks for all my suggestions, which suggests that he isn't listening, just wanting to be heard.
i understand this, and i also understand that i needed to shut the f**k up for awhile and listen till i realized i didn't understand everything and i knew (probably still do) very little. i hope he can find this place, too. that is when my healing actually began.
otherwise, starting and stopping getting high again can easily turn into it's own wheel. things seem different now and again, but it's really the same simple pattern repeating itself.
i think a life directed by this eternal rotation is a clear definition of hell.
today's song choice- shirley bassey's "spinning wheel" is a remix by dj spinna off the remix album.
You got no money and you got no home
Spinnin' wheel all alone
Talkin' 'bout your troubles and you never learn
Ride a painted pony let the spinnin' wheel turn
Did you find the directing sign on the
Straight and narrow highway
Would you mind a reflecting sign
Just let it shine within your mind
And show you the colors that are real
Someone is waiting just for you
Spinnin' wheel, spinnin' true
2 comments:
I really like the remix of Bassey's "Spinning Wheel." It crawls inside your body and makes you want to move.
By the way, I think it's men in general who are validated emotionally by having a good romp. I think woman receive validation from being told that they are needed, in exchange we are willing to engage in providing that good romp. No one is really happy but everyone pretends that all is well.
While I endorse the principle of humility that says you don't know everything, when it comes to addiction, just having been there and recovered provides you with all the necessary information. The only reason for not sharing it is that it won't be heard, because you're talking to the disease.
But I'm glad you'll be there if and when he is ready to listen.
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