always midnight

Are you blind?
Can't you see me standing here
waiting in line?
For you.
Are you mine?
Not just when you wanna be
all of the time?
Are you?
Are you blind?
Don't you see me standing here
Won't you tell me what it is
I'm waiting to find..?

it's been such a strange holiday season. i actually can say i'm not so sad to see it go. i have felt as if i have been doing most things incorrectly and felt bumbly and boobish. additionally, having people around who are actually in the process of having mental breaks has offered anything but solace. that would have exacerbated any situation, i think.

it is said not to start new ventures or relationships when mercury is in retrograde. i am not actually sure what the meaning of all that is, but i believe that as the tide flows in and out and is affected by the moon, so my body and brain- made mostly of water, work in very much the same way. we are influenced by the rotation and gravity that we cannot consciously feel. and perhaps, being bipolar, i am influenced even more deeply by those external factors.

but these last couple of months have been awkward at best. i am learning, not quickly enough no doubt, that i am not responsible for everyone else's issues. and i'm really learning on a deeper level that most things are not about me. sometimes things just happen and no matter how differently i had done things, they would have been in the same place.

i have to get back to a place where i feel i have something to give others, because that is very much the case. but i have been swirling around in a whirlpool of doubt and self pity. my arms are tired from paddling against the current and i think i need to rest.


today's sound choice is pat monahan with "always midnight"