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Friday, January 30, 2009

over the rainbow

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

so making daily entries sometimes is challenging for me. of course, there is no contract here, so i am not required to post daily, but somehow i am almost entrenched in that pattern. maybe i kinda feel married to this process now. honestly, i'm not sure.

i know that there are times, quite evident undoubtedly, that i have no clue as to what i might write about when i sit at the keyboard. sometimes, i look to the music to inspire my thread. sometimes, especially when i've been emotional, i will be as if i am located inside a plexiglass box and all my reactions to being stuck and being
visible are without camouflage and completely out in the open.

i don't know how to describe today. i had a good day, albeit a bit roller-coaster like. i am coming in contact with a new level of grace for my life. finally, i may be finding it normal to have emotions around mistakes that i make, and not get lost in a quagmire of self-judgement. i am understanding that i don't have to live up to standards that are impossible for me, and my world will not fall apart and find me dejected and spent when i blunder.

strange for some who may read this to understand just what i am relating, but please be assured that i have lived with inner chaos my entire adult life and have always (since age 11) been medicating these thoughts and inner patterns described here. slowly though, i am thawing, and hopefully (i mean hope above hope or hope squared) the barricade to my heart is receding and the path to my willingness to be naive is reappearing.

you know, maybe this seems elementary to some. i certainly would prefer it did to me. but this is a spiritual experience for me. soft and quiet. without regret. not overwhelming or hard to reach. but definitely somewhere over the rainbow.

sound choice today.. jennifer hudson giving some love back to patti labelle with "somewhere over the rainbow"


1 comment:

Sheria said...

In all my fascination with words, I have never come up with such a precise phrase to describe what I I've lived with all my life until I read your phrase, "inner chaos."
Thanks for naming it.

Thanks for the link to JH's tribute to Patti. I missed watching the tribute show and hadn't searched for any performances on YouTube. Your post hooked me up with other performances from the show.

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