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Saturday, April 11, 2009

remember to breathe

i am roughly at the 4 1/2 year mark of sobriety and i am learning new things about myself with each year. this year has really helped me focus on my mental health and my skills at careening the ups and downs that accompany my days.

i have discovered that i am visited with a self doubting, self-battering mindset that comes on with alarming regularity. and on these days, i am busy re-living many previous interactions (both recent and ancient) with others and deeming myself (silently of course) as being completely without worth and immensely inappropriate. naturally, this is nothing new for me, but what has changed is that i no longer have the antidote to this condition i once had- getting high. what now happens is that i isolate and white knuckle through these rough patches.

as you may have guessed, today is one of those days. it's almost as if a little bell went off in my head this morning- ringing with the phrase- you're judging yourself today. it's not necessary to get wrapped up in the drama of this. but my thoughts return. it is very much like painting myself into a corner- ergo the keith haring photo. i am encouraged today however, as i slept quite a lot last night and i am hoping that this will affect the entire situation benevolently. most likely i will be staying at home today, cleaning and nesting. it's pretty dangerous for me to leave the safe zone on these days.

fun day off, eh? still i am thankful not to be going where i used to go when this happened. and the amazing gift for me is understanding that some things just don't go away. i cannot take a pill or a drink to alleviate, i only have to learn to accept and endure. this is truly a lesson for me in this life.

today's sound choice is my beloved dashboard confessional with "remember to breathe"



Java said...

You know, don't you, that you are not the only one who suffers this affliction. I struggle with self doubt regularly. I am thankful that I never tried to hide in drugs or drink, for I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to give that up. I am thankful for you that you share these fears here. I learn much from you.

trashcandream said...

finding that line between looking at ourselves clearly and honestly and "morbid reflection" is tricky, isn't it. there is some amount of being hard on ourselves that is needed, but being kind to ourselves, too, has been hardest thing for me to navigate on a daily basis and the thing i do that i'm least aware of.

you've told me before, and i'm telling you now, that you're doing better than you think you are.

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