how to deal

Well I’m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

now and then, when it's really quiet, i am sure i can hear my brain thinking. it seems a little like a windup toy that just keeps going around and around until it is unwound. it feels directed and it feels inspired, but i have questions about whether it is just rewinding and replaying.

i get inspired. i get emotional. i work toward change. i run into barriers. i challenge my validity. i question my motives. i become sure i'm failing. i realize i may not have a clear picture of the whole situation.

this is a brief synopsis of how my brain and my heart operate on a fairly regular basis. i am newly clean and only now really noticing some of the inner workings of my being. and i am not sure if i am caught in a loop or if it is actually a helix and some third dimensional movement is happening.

i spent the last few days speaking with persons who appear while being cemented in their relationships with avoidance of life. numbing, gaming, lying, forgetting, ignoring, denying, medicating, and spinning out are the vocations that would occupy their time and energy.

this seems a dark patch of living to me. i witness much of this with new eyes. i am defining a role for myself in forging these interactions. it's rather like gathering angel hair at christmas or pruning a rose bush without gloves. there is discomfort and even some pain. and it seems treacherous as the frozen ones are delicate as well as being tough as nails. inside, i believe they might shatter with a veneer as icy as they project.

but acknowledging what's difficult and moving towards it with a little grace are some of the lessons of my new life. nothing will change until i change or at least make overt room for it. these encounters are hard. i don't know what will follow. but i believe there is something to be given and received here. and i hope my heart (and my head) can learn how to deal and lessen much of the pricks and cuts and tears that happen with some of the work i do.

today's sound choice is finger eleven with "paralyzer"