there is a 12 step saying that i have never really paid much attention to before this past weekend.
Don't quit before the miracle happens
now i have had miracles occurs since i stopped using. and i have had miracles occur directly as a result of working the 12 steps. but i don't recall noticing anything like the miracle that happened as a result of saturday. or maybe miracles like this have been happening all this time and i've been to wrapped up in my own head to see.
i found myself completely busy from saturday morning (i teach 2 DUI classes and then paperwork, i met with another person in recovery for a short bit, i then went to a texas hold-em fundraiser for the RMRU with an old friend of mine who lives in boulder. we have known each other since '92 at least. we went early, we chatted a bit with others, we sat at separate game tables- he plays cards all the time- i do not. i did the best at the card game when i didn't look at the hand i got. i just played the game blindly (so to speak). i had no investment in winning or losing. so winning didn't matter. then we went to my place and just talked for a couple of hours.
the miracle for me was not feeling it necessary to explain myself so much. i didn't have to fill in any background info. i didn't have to illuminate any nuances. he gets most of them. and he sees me not as i navigate to be seen, but as he has come to see me over the years. there was something really peaceful about all this. i, of course, got nervous because my typical modus operandi is to let you see what i want you to see, and to feel in control. this wasn't happening. and i laid down the sword for a short while and let someone in and let them see me. i put down the mask i usually wear around other people and i didn't worry so much about holding one up at all. i guess i let my spiritual self be seen. maybe others see it now and again, but i don't think i have ever just been relaxed enough to not care. it is remarkable.
i'm sure this sounds loony, but it's my truth today.
i came across this vid on bo. i love her sound and i can listen to this over and over. anyway, i had never heard of her before. maybe you haven't either.
