the shape of my heart

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. -Pascal.

the planning council that i serve on is planning to begin the process of a development of a 3 year comprehensive plan starting in march 09. there are overhauls and modifications to the entire hiv ryan white delivery system that will benefit from being addressed. our job as a council is to look forward and see what changes might be in order and benefit us and find ways to sail in those directions. the last comprehensive plan honestly looks as if it were cut and pasted from an earlier plan with no little or no meaning attached. more just a documment to get done in order to meet a deadline. that's not the shape of my heart.

the exec committee, which i also serve on, will be the first to take a look at the possibilities. the thing about foreseeing change is that it's easy to discuss but much trickier to try to implement that change. this will begin to determine the shape of our hearts. our mini-retreat is tomorrow and i am not sure how it will go, but i am ready to give it a go.

we have to become ready as a small group, a representation of a larger group, which is a sample of the larger under-the-poverty-level(ryan white) system of hiv services delivery, to look at things from a different light. we have to stretch our minds and our hearts and welcome new ideas.

i work within this healthcare system and i certainly see deficits. probably the most glaring is that the delivery system has become a provider/client makeup in lieu of the community model that founded it. i would like to see a return somewhat to that original somehow. i believe that poz persons can be more than just subjects. i would like to think that poz persons with some success in walking through their troubles can be invited to share their strength and those successes with other coming behind them and do so with grace and dignity.

something i know i am working on in my heart is the ability to transfer the unlimited caring and love for my work and the people i find there to the folks in my personal life. i sometimes give clients a lot more wiggle room and understanding than i do my friends and family. there is something a little twacked about this picture.

either way though, for me, this is a very long way from crouching in the corner of a bathhouse room, afraid to go forward in life, and trying hard to forget where i had been. or spending several years trying to be too tough to get sick and die and pretending that it doesn't hurt.

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
sting

the shape of my heart

image credit: pink and wrinkly

pink and wrinkly is how i feel today. it almost feels like afterglow. or perhaps like i just had really hot sex. i'm a bit woozy and a little lightheaded. i'm glad for a bit of downtime and a chance to recharge.

valentines day is approaching. traditionally that's a busy time for me. my mom's birthday, my cousin's birthday, valentine's day, my aunt's bday, and then it's time to beware the ides of march. i have always like valentine's day. or at least the idea of it. i haven't had a "valentine" in quite some time, but i can really appreciate the abundance of chocolate everywhere.

my understanding is that the meth project has secured some additional funding. this potentially provides me with a reliable revenue stream and monies to continue services. i have an idea for a bit of additional services and i hope i can bring them to fruition.

the gay men's leadership training is in march in guerneville and i would especially like to attend this. i hope i can arrange it.

on a side note, someone actually contacted my office with concerns about public messaging because of the ub2. specifically, that someone would get the idea that we were promoting barebacking and unprotected sex.

this is where the title of this blog comes in. how i see things in my life definitely is directed by the shape of my heart.