in a meeting yesterday, the topic of memorial day came up. it was repeated how this particular holiday (and holidays in general for that matter) holds some tension for people around cravings. i personally know this is true, but i also believe that a holiday is an opportunity to create a new "memory" for that day. a chance to let go of resentment and hard feelings that exist around people, places, and things associated with those holidays, including myself. forgiveness of self or of others can seem like it is the weakest, cheesiest, most limp-wristed path to take. but my experience is that forgiving is one of the toughest challenges and the greatest blessings i have given myself and given others. and i continue to practice it in as many areas of my life as possible, both personal and professional, with the most amazing result. that result is that i feel better about living. better about all the mistakes i've made and all the pain i've endured and that i have caused. and subsequently, others feed into that relief and good feeling. my life has changed its course. following is one of my favorite readings i have heard in meetings. it is taken from the book "faith, hope, and courage".
Reaching Out
I made it into this Program because someone else worked their Twelfth Step on me. Someone passed it on to me. Someone was out there after they got clean and sober, caring about others. I need to never, ever forget that. Had they simply gone on with their lives and forgotten about people like me who were still out there using and suffering, I wouldn't be here today. My gratitude begins with that fact. It is with that gratitude in mind that I reach out to others, especially the newcomers. I need to have them in my life. That is where my spirituality begins.
For me, spirituality comes from caring about others. I have found that the more I focus on improving the quality of the lives of others, the less I am into myself and my will. I feel a freedom and peace from within. The gifts I am beginning to receive in my life are greater than I could have ever imagined.
Something else I have done is that I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven myself for being an addict. I have forgiven myself for all the damage I did to my life, to my physical health, and to my career and finances. But most of all, I have forgiven myself for all of the horrible, negative and unloving things I have felt about myself. It was not until I offered and accepted my own forgiveness, that I was truly able to grow in my sobriety.
i hope you made a new memory yesterday and enjoyed your holiday. i know i did. and i love those days when memories and flashbacks can take on new meanings. and life takes on a completely new purpose and becomes a fresh and exciting experience again.
2 comments:
Three day weekends used to be hell for me. My mind would go to - "I can do it and get away with it because I have the extra day". Of course, I could never stop.
Yesterday was great for me. I'm working a recovery job and get Mondays and Tuesdays off, and usually don't get to see many of my friends because they work during the week.
After yesterday, I now see the Monday of a three day weekend as the day I get to catch up and hang out with friends I don't get to see very often.
I got the following note in response to this blog. i thought i would share it.
I am a recent convert to sobriety. I had been an abuser of cocaine "back in the day" and stopped cold turkey one day when I used at work, an hour before the PTA conference. LOVELY I thought and dumped about $200 of coke down the toilet and NEVER used again. No desire, cravings, dreams, etc.
Then dear sister Tina came along about 8 years ago, and I was so hooked on it. I didn't have the same "I have to have it NOW" as I did with Coke. I HAD to have it, felt that if I didn't get home from work and snort up a storm, then go clubbing (NY at the time then Boston) until 2-3a and then home with a bunch of guys for a few hours, then nap until 6a the off to work to do again. But the overwhelming part was the HAVE to have.
Tina snuck up on me. I was a fabulous time and the sex was perfectly beyond words. Then my life went to shit. My now Ex became obsessed with it, he'd do anything or anyone to get it. I found myself helping him in it, but lived by the "I loved to watch him get fucked", not the "I'm pimping my partner" (self-edited for content). I finally woke up one morning with a carving knife in his hand about 6" from my neck. I moved the next week.
I continued to use, knowing that the main reason for my used was to keep an even keel with him. Great excuse, huh? However, after I snuck out of our life and home while he was at work, I continued to use the same. I caught myself and slowed down but, well, you know the rest.
I finally degenerated to bathhouse 4-5 times a week on average. Tons of it up my veins and being a functioning top at a bathhouse, again, you get the pictured. I lost my job because of the brain tumors, or the tumors are worsening my arrhythmia, or my T cells are dropping like Texans at the Alamo because of the chemo to keep the tumors in check. The list goes on and on.
Finally, Easter, I stopped because the warnings of my cardiologist and neurologist that if I continued I'd be dead by the end of the year if I didn't quit. So I did. Then 23 days later my brother and his wife were killed in a car crash. I got the message 10 minutes before a CMA meeting. I should have stayed, true, but NOTHING or NO ONE would stop me from using until I got the highest ever.
This turned out to be a good thing. I got high, kinda, and the more I tried, the less it worked. I literally left the bathhouse, gave the rest to a buddy I know there and as of today, am 32 days clean. And it has been a struggle every step of the way.
I have finally given over to G-d and the Universe. I know I will be the victor, with the help of others like me. This has been the hardest thing in my life, hard to believe considering the other stuff going on, and I never imagined it would be so difficult to walk away, like I did with the coke, yet still think every waking moment, and most nights. As time has gone on, I have worked her into my dream more frequently.
I am so grateful for this and other blogs and websites that have put me in touch with others like me. Be it in their postings, writings, or meetings in my area (Denver). I am newly clean and am willing to do whatever it takes to remain that way.
I want all to know that it is possible, and that "going out" and using happens. G-d gives us the tools and strength to do so, free will allows us to make a mistake, brush ourselves off, and move on. I testify to that whole-heartily.
Will I remain clean for the rest of my life? I hope so. But, then again I may falter. The true testimony of the man (or woman) is in what he does afterwards.
Continued success to us all. And for those in need, find the
help, it works.
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