sex inventory

as part of step four, it is custom to do a separate sex inventory, as sex is an integral part of most of our addictions. and that is insanely true for me. i started medicating with sex in my early teens and continued to do so pretty steadily throughout my adult life. i think meth came along as an answer to my mid-life crisis and my feeling that the medicinal qualities that sex held for me were no longer numbing as it had in the past. so when my inhibitions around sex were removed with the introduction of meth, i became insatiable. i am sure i had more sex in the four years i danced with tina, than i had in the ten or fifteen previous years. and not two ounces of it was very meaningful or really worth mentioning on its own. there might be details that stand out, but they relate more to the event than to the person.

when it came time for me to do the sex inventory, there were hundreds of "tricks" that i had to include on my list. so many, that i couldn't remember each person's name and i couldn't remember each specific instance. this was not a pleasure for me to realize or recreate. this actually was horrific and shameful as i began to see how i had been a testosterone vampire if you will. because i realized that i had pretty much used those individuals (and sometimes more than one at a time) for the same thing over and over and  over, just like i used meth and other drugs. i had been objectifying my counterparts. i hadn't honestly cared much for who that other person was. but had been more interested in what they could provide me. 

this eye-opener was extremely humbling and disappointing, because i realized i really wasn't making myself happy at all by repeating the same thing over and over. and i was probably making myself sicker somehow. after discussions with a sponsor, i realized i had better learn how to see the spirit inside men before i tried to see them naked. and i had better find out how to enhance their lives while i tried to explore my needs. jeez- it all seemed so complicated.

my sponsor asked me to write a description of my sexual and my relationship ideal. uh..newsflash... i couldn't even imagine thinking such a thing. i couldn't think i deserved it. and i couldn't even fathom what it might entail. i have slowly been working on this assignment. it's been quite some number of days now and i still haven't written it all down. but i am working on believing that i deserve to have an ideal. and i have come up with a few details.

at least i know my life seems flush with activity these days. quite a stretch from the screeching  paranoid delusional that wandered around like marley's ghost for several years.  i am not the man i used to be.  i am liking myself, and i am able to see the spirit in others. sometimes, it can be more of a challenge than other times. but, it's there. and man, is that progress. and i am finding that there are people that actually like me. and want to be around me. and want to hear what i have to  say. and i am clearer on who i am and much better at looking at the people around me. and i have had sex. just not in such high doses.