made a decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of god as i understood him.
and, of course, the classic part of this that is perplexing is that i made that decision, however i rescind that decision almost on a daily basis. directly as a result of that, i have to remake this decision on a daily basis in order for me to retain any semblance of sanity. i always want to take back control of my life and my will. repeatedly and without remorse. and i always have to turn it back over. it's really like playing a child's game. omg- i guess that's just what it is. this 3rd step has a prayer and one of my favorite lines in the prayer is "relieve me of the bondage of self". omg- omg- omg. that's is the crux of my pain right there. the bondage of myself. my ego. my controlling self. my will. if i can learn to let that go-that self which puts me in bondage (my ego)- i stand a chance at growing spiritually. but that's a tall order as i am a complete narcissist by nature. i guess i have my work cut out for me. this is the step that pertains to the phrase "surrender to win" and from my experience it is the truth. when i can let go of my need to control the situation, learn to have faith that things will work out as they should, and know that i will be okay no matter what the outcome, i get closer to sanity and closer to the idea of a higher power. i am more in tune with the universe.
2 comments:
ego is a hard one. The group I went to last night is facilitated by someone I know. I didn't want to go because of my ego. I didn't want him to be in that role while I was the participant.
I recognized this fact, and went. And you know, he was so good at it. I could actually learn from him. What a change in thought processes.
So I hear you on that one.
yeah- ego is my nemesis. and really, underneath it all, i think most of us are just nervous and in need of validation.
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