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how do we know when the party is over? i got the following thoughts from the toronto meth site.. hi my name is tina. there is something similar on tweaker.org, too. it makes good sense to me. but once we are in the throes of heavy use, it's kinda hard to have a rational brain anymore.... but in case you have questions about your use...
Although there are many ways to fill our needs, some of us chose Tina. How do we know if we’ve crossed the line and are in trouble with Tina? Unfortunately, there’s no clear-cut answer to this question; everyone’s line is different. For example, getting high every other weekend may be fine for someone else but too much for us. Some of us can use occasionally for years without any problems. Some of us never binge but have problems with relatively light use.
On some level we know if our Tina use is a problem for us, although it may be hard for us to see or admit it. Here are a collection of experiences that have been ‘red flags’ for other guys. If any of these are familiar to you, you might want to think further about your own use. This may mean using less, stopping for while, or quitting altogether.
Life:
• The party is over when we become used to spending every weekend high and when the beginning of every week is hell.
• The party is over when what we use the computer for most is cruising for PnP hook-ups.
• The party is over when we realize that we can’t remember everyone we were with last night and are grateful we can’t, because some of those guys were scary. Come to think of it, we must have been scary too.
• The party is over when it takes two hours to get ready to leave the house.
• The party is over when we keep making excuses for missing work.
• The party is over when we begin many projects and complete none of them.
• The party is over when we have several dealers and know where to get Tina 24/7.
• The party is over when using is something we need to do and don’t enjoy anymore.
• The party is over when we need Tina to feel accepted because of age, race, or disability issues.
• The party is over when we miss holidays with family because we were too busy having sex with people we don't even know.
• The party is over when we chose Tina over our lover.
• The party is over when we can’t imagine how we used to be so productive before Tina. How did we get all that accomplished?
• The party is over if we have lost important friendships or relationships.
• The party is over when we remember all the twisted, sick shit we got ourselves into.
• The party is over when we say and do things we wish we had never said or done.
and my experience tells me that i mulled many of these thoughts over and over again in my head. but once that bitch had a grasp on my feelgood it was almost too late. i had to lose quite a bit before i could even begin to let go of her. and my experience also tells me that it takes more than just "28 days" to shake her free too. the brain changes that occur to do meth are extensive and need time ( not medication) to repair. post-tina dopamine levels are low, and a life without dopamine is dull indeed. and the truth is, in the beginning, i thought i could handle it. after all, i had done a neely o'hara with coke, with freebasing, with booze, and with hiv. but this one-tina- she was different. she probably still is, too. i do know that there were so many many times that i told myself that if i got high with tina one more time, it would be different. and i guess it was. it got progressively worse.
3 comments:
Thank you for this post. It raises feelings in me and I'm not to sure yet what those feelings are but as I write this I hope to express myself honestly and openly.
I also use the word tina to describe what is in fact crystal methamphetamine. A drug that if it was a sex then to me it would be a bloke. I believe only a man could kick the shit out of me the way tina did. Seeing the word in black and white and repeated often gives me a sense that I have been minimising the impact and affect that this drug has had not only on me and you but thousands of others.
Although there are many ways to fill our needs, some of us chose Tina.
What I have learned so far in recovery is that to meet my needs I must look inside myself. Only I can fill my needs. This is the most important lesson I have learned. It is not a boyfriend or friends, clothes, job, a new haircut etc.
For example, getting high every other weekend may be fine for someone else but too much for us.
That was certainly the case for me but with the information I now have, "getting high every other weekend" would also be too much.
There is a difference between having an "out of control problem" and using "recreationally" but I reckon recreational drug use is still about disconnecting with one's self whether it be a conscious decision or not. It doesn't matter how functional you are as a human, the end result is the same - getting high!
I am also uncomfortable with the use of the party.
I read it as saying that it is OK to party as long as you can manage your use. Again it is minimising the effect it has. Why doesn't it ask the question of why do you feel the need to use something that will alter your perception of reality and I'm not talking just about long time use and psychosis.
The party is over when we say and do things we wish we had never said or done.
What about this: the party is over when you have lied not only to yourself but to the people you care most about in this world.
I mean it makes a point but it is piss fuckin' weak.
You may find this hard to believe but I am not trying to be a party pooper at all. For me, the party has just started.
Sincerely, Denys.
and "Well what can I say, it's different" and fantastic. Great song Rod.
denys- i am thrilled you had a reaction to this post. the truth is that recovery and sobriety are gained by me through process not a decision. the decision i made to not to use anymore has to be reauthorized with some regularity or i will slip back into old behaviors. maybe i am weak, or maybe that is human nature. the party has just begun for me, too in so many ways. thank you so much denys for validating my process for me. i cannot tell you how much of a blessing that is.
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