working towards an ideal

just came from a sex, dating, and recovery workshop at the roundup. of course, it raised a few questions for me. the truth of the matter is that i am to be working on my relationship and sexual ideal and so this was certainly appropriate.

i have not been able grasp the concept of what i want, because i had never considered it. there's a line from "jane says" that goes.. "jane says... she doesn't know what love is... she only knows when someone wants her....
i'm really embarrassed to say that on many levels, this rings true for me. it speaks to me on the "sex as validation" level. and that would translate to low self esteem. and that brings me to one of the thoughts provoked by the workshop: the egomaniac with low self esteem. god- you mean i am not the only perv who has these issues?

so how do i consider an ideal when i have no concept beyond this validation cycle? although i am actively trying to move past this behavior, i no longer want to feel that i must be desired to be okay. how do i think about an ideal and not get confused about what i want, what i fantasize about, what i know is unrealistic, and what i need?

one thing that is coming clear is that i am not set on exactly what i want, but some things are coming into focus. i want to be able to be myself with someone. and not feel embarrassed because i'm me. and i want to want to be honest. not forced to be honest, but compelled to be honest. i need to be supported and be expected to be supportive. and you know, it would be fantastic if i was needed. i honestly believe that if those things were in place, coupled with a great sense of fun, laughter, and community service, my inner light would shine much brighter. and for me, the sex part could develop and grow(with nourishment and care). with sex, the old version of "hot" is no longer a huge priority for me.....it has changed and intimacy has moved forward.