i gotta get through this

it's really very interesting right now. i am not employed full time, yet i seem to be quite busy. i am actively trying to rustle up articles for the next SIN newsletter. and i still have to write my column.

My life is changing just as quickly as i type. there definitely is a new life waiting in the wings, and a plethora of new experiences.i only have to hold faith. somehow i am feeling blessed with the volunteer work i am doing. in my post today, i am including an article that one of the guys of SIN has written because i think it explains one good reason why i feel expanding gay men's hiv community in denver is so important. i met this young man at the UB2 in january. when he told me he had just found out his status last september- he won my heart. here is what he has written. at 27, he strikes me as exceptionally aware. it's not a short read, but i believe it merits the time it takes. i hope you agree.

The Second Closet


As for someone who has been diagnosed with HIV for less than a year, it hardly seems appropriate that I would be writing on life as a young, positive gay man. In fact my HIV knowledge was so low before that when my doctor walked in the room and confirmed that I was indeed positive, the first thing I thought was "I am going to die; maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow. But in 20 years, I will definitely be dead." Luckily it only took me two days to get in to see the specialist. I quickly learned that a healthy lifestyle and proper medication management would be my tools for a normal life expectancy. Essentially, I now had something like diabetes.
But I did not feel like a diabetic person. I felt much worse, much more embarrassed, and definitely ashamed. I dreaded the idea of telling my family. I had no clue which friends I could trust and rely on. I secretly met men over the internet that were in the same shoes, many of whom were older.
"There will be a time when you don't even think about it anymore," one guy told me.
"I wouldn't recommend telling anyone!" a different guy warned. "And don't tell anyone about me!"
This was indeed one of the most confusing times in my life. Yet it all felt too familiar. I kept wondering where I had heard this kind of stuff before. And then it hit me: I was in a second closet. Only this time I would not be a gay kid trying to open up to a heterosexual world. Instead, I would be an HIV positive man trying to find acceptance in a gay world.
From an outsider perspective, this doesn't make sense. The gay community is supposed to be not only accepting of this disease but extremely supportive. There are fundraisers, galas, walks and balls galore to benefit HIV. So why would someone feel such shame and the need to go into hiding for a second round?
I definitely do no not know the answer to this, but I seem to witness it on a regular basis. Many of the men I met on-line discussed the topic of disclosure. Some of these guys hid their status from their families. Others talked about how it should be kept out of the workplace. One guy even kept it secret from his closest friends, gay or not. He advised me to not tell any sexual hook-ups as well as to wait at least six months to tell anyone that I meet. I even saw trends like this when my HIV negative boyfriend had to tell his volleyball teammates that he would be missing the next game. Like a wave of the magician's hand, he easily distracted his peers to avoid any mention of the HIV community forum we would be attending. His intentions were to respect my privacy. However it also felt like he was trying his best not to "out" me.
From my own personal observation, the second closet seems to occur more in the younger generations and newly diagnosed persons such as myself. Pretty much all of the men I met that were above the age of forty were out and honest about their status. Some even spoke of their HIV as a badge of honor and survival. And in a way, the long term survivors are kind of like those who have been to war. Although the battles may have been different, certainly watching your peers die could have felt the same.
"Being in the closet about HIV is an insult to those who have died," one man told me over some Chinese food. "Guys do not know how lucky they have it now with these medications. We weren’t so lucky then. And now they have the balls to hide it? It is offensive!"
Even though his view point may have been a bit extreme, I couldn’t help but kind of agree with him. Prior to my diagnosis, I didn't really know anyone with HIV, especially in my age group. So when I found out I was positive, it all left me feeling lonely. Suddenly I was the child on the playground that no one wanted to play with because he had cooties. This train of thought can’t be healthy for anyone living with disease.
Younger generations function on a different level than older generations. Whether we like to admit it or not, people in their twenties and thirties are much more concerned with image. We work harder to get laid than we do to put money in our 401k. Young gay men are definitely no exception to this. Some proclaim that they do not care what people think because they worked hard to accept their sexuality and come out of the closet. Ironically, these are some of the same guys who desperately hope that others see the Prada label on their shirt while at the bar.
It is human nature for us to receive social gratification from one other. As Charles Cooley described it in his theory of the "Looking Glass Self," we view ourselves as how we think others perceive us. And we would be naive to think that the stigma of HIV does not run any risk of social rejection. If any of us experience this rejection, no doubt we would internalize it and feel even worse about ourselves. So it seems blatantly obvious as to why someone would stay in this closet.
Even though the closet may offer some level of safety in a social aspect (and probably a better sex life), it essentially just causes an ironic cycle of stigma. When one person gets diagnosed, they feel the shame of the stigma. They then go into the closet and do not talk openly about their status with their gay peers. This reduces the amount of awareness which then sends the message that HIV is not prevalent in our community. This also sends the message that someone should feel shamed when they are diagnosed. So when another guy finds out he is positive, he ends up feeling even more alone and scared. Therefore he enters the closet and the cycle happens all over again. To make matters worse, individuals who lack any support systems are more likely to turn to dangerous resources in order to cope such as drugs or even suicide.
But does coming out about our status really help reduce the stigma? It certainly seems like it. Again, it appears to really parallel itself with coming out as being gay or lesbian. There was a time when only a few persons were "out" about being gay. These were the elephant freak shows of society. But the more people opened up about their sexuality, the more strong social advancements were made. And today, the ones who reject homosexuality can often be seen as their own little freak shows.
Other cities perhaps are proving this as well. I have heard stories of far off lands with names such as "New York" or "San Francisco" where there is so much awareness about HIV that people in the community do not even care if you are positive or negative. You just are who you are (as long as you have a six pack anyway). Granted, Denver is no New York or San Francisco. Our city may have grown a lot, but we still have a small town attitude towards a lot of things. Our gay community is just as guilty of this, whether we like to admit it or not.
The community has done an amazing job at raising money towards programs and non-profits related to HIV. But now is the time to start raising social awareness in order to reduce the undeserved stigma of this disease. And social groups like Strength In Numbers is a great place to start. This way, people do not have to go into hiding when they hear what may be some of the worst possible news of their lives.
I personally may have not had a whole lot of time with HIV. At his point, I still kind of feel like I am dancing with the devil. But that will stop only if I take the steps to stop it. I know I can continue to attend any SIN events in order to gain more comfort with my positive status. Talking to other guys (especially around my age) can only help me feel normal again. And with that, I can obtain the courage to be honest with my fellow gay man and not enter the closet for a second time. I can show that if HIV can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. I may receive some criticism along the way. But if I can help just one other person not feel like a freak, then it will be worth it.

As a much more hiv-experienced man, i believe that so many of the guys with survival time like me have so much to offer these young men, and for us to expect them to make this journey on their own is unthinkable. i don't want to tell men like him how to live with this, just be available in case he needs a shoulder or a hand and remind him that indeed surviving AND thriving can be done. i mean, this alone shapes a truly priceless reason for me to have come this far, n'est ce pas?