on the 4th day

on the 4th day of christmas my true love gave to me- a portrait of myself that took years to produce. it was a fearless and moral inventory of myself that i had never had the chutzpah before to view.

these are some instructions that came with the gift.... more here

Please try and quit conning yourself that you need to get into the "right mood" to take this step. You're in the right mood to take this step when you are ready to quit hurting and get well. All of our lives, we have tried to "think our way into action."
This time, we must, "act our way into right thinking." We who have taken this step can tell you that it works.
We didn't know how it worked before we took it, and we can't tell you how it works
after we took it...so quite worrying about that.
What you are seeking is not mere "relief"...you'll get that, don't worry. What will come will be real joy in living.
Believe us, you can get it, and a giant step toward getting it is to dump the accumulated garbage that you are now carrying around.
So get your pen and paper and begin!

Final words before you start: if you honestly don't know the answer to a question, then just indicate that you don't know. But try and answer each question in the best way that you can.
And remember...if any question suggests an area of discomfort (trouble), then write
it out...get it down on paper...get rid of it!

it started out with very carefully orchestrated brushstrokes as if it were tracing another image through opaque paper, but as the process continued, emotions flared with each memory of incidents, blunders, resentments and pain. it was becoming clear that i had viewed myself as a victim and martyr most of my life. i had blamed myself for the bad things that happened to me and around me, but blamed everyone else for letting them happen, too. and because i had known pain, that gave me a free pass to not try at so many things, and a free pass to self-medicate because as we all know- nobody knows the troubles i've seen.

there is a fourth step in the inventory process which is shook the foundation of my emotional house of cards. it comes with the question "what is my role in this". this arrow hit directly between the eyes almost every time. i would never again have the luxury of remaining a victim in my own life. i now knew i had most of the responsibility, not for what happened in my life, but how i reacted to it. sure, i have had pain and trauma. yes, it's been tough. but i had also chosen to hold onto it like a track and field medal won so long ago. i could just as easily let that go and move forward. this is when the brushstrokes in this portrait shifted. there were no longer contained and premeditated dabs of color on the canvas. no, now the freedom that i was feeling within began to permeate tbis technicolor likeness in my head. bold colors contrasted with subtle hues, less shadow and more light began to emerge. i am at once in tune with the idea that indeed i am what i am. and what i am has no more excuses. this is me.

Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me.

on the 4th day of christmas my true love gave to me:
a brand new self portrait, a new way to see "me" in 4 dimensions
a decision in 3 parts- i can't, god can, i think i'll let her
a 2nd chance
an opportunity to listen and be heard

today's sound choice is the supercalifragilistic mary j blige with "take me as i am"