turning point

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

i am taking a hiatus this week- to pull some last minute reports together to finalize what i have been working on these last 6 months or so, and to get my head clear to start my new position. i have some apprehension, of course, because i will be stepping into a much more controlled environment. i have become very used to sort of freefalling and this will need to change.

on the flipside, i will not be required to work so many nights and weekends as i will be earning a more robust wage. i am fascinated to have my weekends back. there is apprehension and there is some fear here. starting something new usually contains those elements. and i can think of 2 patients at the clinic that really would not be a good fit for me to work with. i'm sure there are others.

but learning and service are what this needs to be about. i have concerns, but in contrast, i am filled with curiosity and some determination. i would very much like to be part of a change somehow. i totally believe that peer advocacy and mentoring can be a very powerful and effective asset.

simultaneously, there is an organization i have been working on creating. unsure of whether the difficulies are me or in my lack of focus or a lack of definition, i am feeling it is not moving forward. it seems that my vision is not shared by others on the board and i am not interested in battling. i am going to rethink the entire effort and hopefully come to a revised position and direction. i know that my intention is to create an entity that is both encouraging and empowering to other poz individuals and i feel the current mindset is in opposition to that-i.e. restrictive and exclusive. the biggest challenge in all this is finding the strength to be honest.

and then there's the peer mentoring program we have actively been working on creating for colorado. the training has taken place, it is quite obvious much more work needs to be done, and i get concerned that i may not have time to give it, and that others may not step up to the plate. and then there's the bickering factor. it becomes so easy to find differences and focus on those, that collaboration becomes like avalon and drifts into the mists.

love you madly. now back to my reports. and then my weekend.

today's sound choice is william orbit with "water from a vine leaf"