today started a little different than most days. i slept in, which is unusual. my habit is to wake at five or five-thirty and go to a cardio class at the downtown Y til seven. then i grab a latte and a croissant at the coffeehouse up the street from my place. i swing home, finish my blog and start my 12 hour work day.
but today i slept in. i slept in because i hadn't fallen asleep till around four thirty this morning. i couldn't. i was tossing and turning, churning over the past days experiences. trying to make any sense to them and trying to pray for a peaceful outcome to them all. and also praying for the revelation of what next step to take.
the praying helped me sleep. and i woke with two hours sleep and began my day. the continuation phone calls started at six am. i got two and then an email by six-forty five. so i sent an email to halt the greet the dawn barrage. it worked. and the tone of the communications from that point took a decidedly different complexion. one of remorse and regret. nice- but not completely cleansing. i am doing things differently this time though. i am realizing boundaries. the first of those being truthfulness.
because i know that this relationship is almost an exact copy of several relationships i have had before.i have landed in this very spot repeatedly at times in my life prior to this episode. and until i stop using the same escape routes i have always used, i am destined to repeat the same things. so it is important for me now to do something different. to remain still until i know where to move. and have faith i will know when i need to know. it's more than a little strange to think that i have worked so hard to get to this place of "unknowing". i am committed to trying not to get angry and bail or get angry and cop a resentment. instead i am going to work through this situation with my eyes open, my heart open, and my feet firmly planted on the ground (as much as is possible).
oops- gotta take a wiz...
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