trying to find my way

the 12 step program recommends pausing when agitated and i would guess that it is quite sound advice. i aspire in my life to follow this credo. but i must say that it is not an easy task for me. i so want to take action when i am in the throes of emotion. and i usually do somehow, much to my chagrin at a later time. i want so very much to grow in my process here with this particular point. to gain perspective and to not lead with my chin as i have done so much in the past.

i was subjected to some really inappropriate behavior yesterday. it came in the form of an attempt to either get attention from me or to manipulate me in some fashion. and i wasn't going to have any of it. and as the day progressed, the behavior escalated into a couple of voicemails that actually made me cry. i feel like a cheap rent boy who could be reminded of all his shortcomings. and all this happened from someone claims to care about me and my welfare. i am left greasy and dirty and smarmy.

i left it alone for quite some time, refusing to take the bait and counseled with some people i know as to how best to handle the situation. it was suggested that i return the call to de-escalate the drama, as, of course, that was one of my agendas in the matter. i tried that and found that it was an okay idea, except that i wasn't really ready for that action. i was still in an emotional state and it didn't go smoothly at all.

the voicemails and the emails slowed down after that. and maybe some chilling out happened on the other end. but i was left feeling not much better. and now, i am faced with a decision that i was in no way prepared to deal with. the letting go of a small dream in exchange for some peace of mind as well as dignity and the letting go of abusive treatment. you know, as i write this, i realize that i really don't know if this relationship is worth fighting for. or fighting through.

so here is the tough part. i don't know how to proceed, so i have to not make a decision and trust that a good thing will come of it all. and that i will thrive when i make it through this. EEEEEEKKKKK... so much easier said than done. wish me luck.