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i almost believe the word aging is a dirty word in the gay men's community. i can't really say why it seems so difficult to age gracefully for me, but it really does. i just don't think i'm getting this thing down. i always think i am out of sync, or missing a joke, or not hearing everything. i am so much more comfortable in my own skin for the most part, but i can't say i'm sure that other people are as comfortable with me. i mean, i cannot verify that i am more likeable or more palatable or easier to deal with. i have friends. and i have people i spend time with. but i don't know if i am getting it right. i know that i am aging and as much as i would like to deny it, it's reality. and i am certainly not the first man to go through the process. it just ain't so easy for me.

maybe this unease could have something to do with my bipolar condition. i am safely medicated on eskalith (a generic form of lithium-less salt) and things have evened out immensely. but i still have mood swings. i think i still have mania, just a milder version. i most likely will always have this. i know that others in my family before me, have had very similar conditions. and they, like me, spent a good deal of their adult lives self-medicating this condition. it wasn't even a known medical condition until the mid 70's.

my grandfather was a prime example of our genetic brand of bipolar condition. he was fairly stable (with wide swings periodically seemingly due to alcohol use) until his early forties. then his swings began to become tumultuous and he blazed out of control after my grandmother died. he was reeled back in, put on high doses of lithium, and never really recovered from the silent and certainly not golden depression that he lived in silently for years until he died.

my mother was very similar with condition, self-medication (alcohol and sex) swung out of control on several occasion in adulthood and was put on depakote in her early forties. she smoothed out somewhat, but has struggled with so many other health issues and mood issues. she even has a name for her manic personality- it's ruthie. ruthie is fun at parties and loves to shop, eat sweets, and spend money. ruthie gave up partying, but still likes to cruise the mall, QVC and the Home Shopping Network. my mom is diabetic now, but ruthie binges on cake, chocolates, and ice cream all the time.

not a worry-free legacy is it? i have watched these dramas unfold in the bloodlines before me. and i watch them unfold in the lives of comtemporaries and clients around me. and i really hope i can learn to surf the waves that are certain to come. i am forever prompting others i know to develop faith and have faith with the process in their own lives. and, really, i  honestly believe that. sometimes, however, it is a challenge to have faith in my own. like faith that i will be okay through all this. or that i am alright at all. i guess that's what makes it faith.