It's amazing how my little brain can get so wrapped up in people, places, and things. I LOVE to obsess, or my ADDICT loves to obsess and make elaborate fantasies of what my life will be like in the future. There is one thing about making and striving to meet goals, there is another to daydream about events that haven't even happened! I got a call from the recruiting department at the company I am working for and the recruiter asked me some questions about my career goals and interests, and immediately after the conversation I started to fantasize about the job that I hadn't even interviewed for. That I would be making $80,000/year, live in a nice apt., shop regularly at Diesel, and rub my success in my ex-boyfriends face. Well dude reality check, your still broke as a joke, living in a "college" apt., driving a corolla, and barely able to afford to shop Gap! I also then proceeded to obsess about my ex-boyfriend' new relationship, and that I had found out some negative information about his current boyfriend and how I could bring down the house. My addict got the better of me and I sent a teaser e-mail to my ex. Today, I'm regretting what I did. I regret that I didn't think all the way through, and sent negative energy into the world! I now, have to go back and do some clean up. I can't believe that I create soooo much extra work for myself, only if I would stop and ask God for help, I could be relieved of obsessive thoughts, negative behaviors, and have inner peace with what kind of a man I am. Progress no perfection, right?
I love the story in the back of the Big Book about "acceptance is the key". I tell myself many, many times during the day this simple phrase. It brings me back to reality, makes me humble, allows me to be grateful for where I am in my recovery and life, and allows me to have some closure on painful events. I have to remember that I am an addict and I created a lot of destruction, and it will take some time to go thru the reconstruction of my life and relationships. I'm actually getting to a place, where I think about my recovery before I jump into bed with the still using addict. I have found the ability to turn down sex or companionship with people who are high. My last use was sooooo painful that I can never go back. I'm tearing up just thinking of how I felt that night and the following days afterwards.
Life is good and grand, and I have a purpose and a spot in it to call my own! Dear God, I may be poor, I may be gay, and I even may be ugly, but I'm alive! Until then, keep well.
http://www.addme.com/#1
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