I posted yesterday that I had been in a dark space over the last couple of days, but that I had escaped thru a meeting and then an all day hike on Sunday. Last night I recieved a phone call from a friend of mine(a normie I play Volleyball with) who wanted to meet for coffee and talk. He had told me that he thought I was an inspiration, and immediately my Addict thought "How the Hell could I be an inspiration to anyone! I've struggled sooooo much in my recovery that I couldn't possibly send any type of message."
I'm on step two and it's all about insanity. There is a story in the back of the Big Book, "Safe Haven" that I have read recently and found that I could relate. The author of that story was an alcoholic and his first 4 1/2 years in AA he became a "chronic relapser", he stated that he would get six months clean and then go out and celebrate with a bottle of booze. I could relate, because I have done that for a year and 1/2 now, and I only have 65 days from Meth. I also, in my active using, would go to the doctor for my quarterly check-ups, in regards to my HIV. When I would get my results back and they would be undetectable with my CD4's high, I would go to the sleaziest tub, get fuck'd up on Meth and screw the entire bathhouse to celebrate my health. Pure insanity!
Anyway, I met my friend for coffee last night, and he asked me how I first started to use Meth. Well, I'm the type of addict that had a series of events and substances that led to my first "puff" of Meth, so I told him my story around my drinking, Ecstacy, Cocaine and eventual Meth use. I spoke to him about how for me, my use was synonamous with sex. That I did drugs to have sex, and had sex to get drugs. I spoke about my HIV infection and diagnosis, and then the events that led me to 12 step and what keeps me here. Long story short his friend has been slamming for only 6mos. and this shit is destroying his life; suicide attempt, HIV infection, loss of health and job, etc. He asked what he could do as a friend, and for the first time in my recovery and using life I saw the pain in his eyes that our friends and family must feel everytime we use. I had been so selfish that I had never experienced that before, or perhaps didn't want to. While he didn't say that he felt helpless as he watched his friend start to die, I could sense it. I gave him some insight to how the addict thinks and feels, but told him to speak with my friends(who he knows as well), because I'm not the friend, I'm the addict, and I don't know that experience. I'm sure down the road, I will become the friend. I now know what the helplessness, pain, sadness, frustration, and unconditional love that our friends and family feel as we addicts keep trudging thru "our" world! Until then, keep well.
:http://www.addme.com/#1
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