if i told you things i did before

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i'm actually writing this on new year's eve day. i've just done some way overdue housecleaning and am feeling the need to do some other housecleaning as well.
i'm not sure if i've ever really posted about my last crystal use. i thought i would try to share some of that as it is in line with my other post today about reaching out. if someone recognizes themselves in my story, then perhaps they will also recognize that change in behavior, in self judgement, and in life overall is completely possible and worth the leap of faith required.

i had been trying to stop using crystal for about a year and a half, and i would make it three months or so, begin to put together a new foundation for life, get a job, get a place, and then sabotage it somehow. usually it was around work. i had taken jobs in restaurants and i really didn't want to do that work anymore. but i had burned so many bridges in the travel industry, that restaurants were the only thing i could do confidently and get hired easily.

anyway, i had taken a job at wolfgang pucks in downtown denver and i could sense the "smell" of the death of the restaurant. i have been around long enough to know when something is not working. i had worked there 4 years previously, before i moved to sf. and when i came back, the atmosphere had completely changed. it was doomed. and i couldn't see myself being secure there. so in order to find peace of mind, i found it necessary to create some drama with a twink working there, giving me a reason to get the fuck-its, get high, and not go back.

but the strange thing is that this time, i just didn't wanna come down. i didn't wanna face putting another life together. i didn't even see any life i wanted. so circumstances allowed me to sneak funds from someone who trusted me and stay high for over a week. this thievery only punctuated the fact that i didn't wanna come down and face life. it was much easier to live in oblivion.

but smoking crystal for days causes a person not to sleep. and no sleep for an elongated period causes hallucinations. sleep deprivation plays tricks on the brain. that's why so many tweakers seem batty. they are. they hear voices. they are flooded with paranoia. they see things that aren't there.

i was no different. i had been hanging out at the local "tweaker" bathhouse and hadn't slept for days. i had just gone to a different one to try to sleep, and had been so overrun with hallucinations of little people in my room, going through my things, that i had to leave quickly and go back to the meth central. while there the hallucinations continued. i tried being social with a few guys, but i couldn't relax around them and i found that i kept thinking they were making fun of me. it ended that i was crouched in the corner of my little closet sized room in the dark with a sheet over my head, hearing voices in the halls talking about how i was going to jail anyway. it was a nightmare. there's that scene in "a christmas carol" where scrooge is visited by marley's ghost and it's horrific. this was what this end of run was for me.

it was so bad that i almost ran out of the bathhouse, to the last of the baths here in town. there i holed up in my room, hearing a club-footed person wandering the halls looking for me. this lasted until i fell asleep.

when i awoke 10 hours later, i knew the run was over. i didn't know where things were headed, but i didn't want this anymore. and my life shift began.

new year's day is a great opportunity for me to bolster this commitment i have made to offering the possibility of rejuvenation to others. no matter how bad it seems, others have been there. no matter how low you have swung, you are not alone. none of it is final. there is hope. if i can find it, it must be bright, 'cuz i am not the most clever. take the leap of faith. miracles happen. they happen every day.

i'm now adding this second bit after having spent my new year's eve. a friend came over for supper. he just got back from a week in chicago and was kinda sick. he had asthma attacks and was running 101 fever. i fed him and left him to rest at my house while i spoke at a treatment facility to some patients who were in rehab and detox. there was one pretty angry guy, but the rest were hungry for some stories other than their own.

i then went to the roundup dance and had some giggles, saw some folks, and helped clean up. i am ready to sleep, but want to make sure i at least do this.

wishing you a happy and miracle-filled new year.