a new recruit

the following was received after a blog this past weekend. i, of course, am humbled by the similarities in so many other stories among my tribe. but then i already know that. that's why i do what i do. and i hope other gay men in recovery realize that although sobriety is a solo journey, we definitely do not travel it alone. i try to welcome others i find along this path and try to have my eyes and arms wide open...



> I am a recent convert to sobriety. I had been an abuser of cocaine "back
> in the day" and stopped cold turkey one day when I used at work, an hour
> before the PTA conference. LOVELY I thought and dumped about $200 of coke
> down the toilet and NEVER used again. No desire, cravings, dreams, etc.
>
> Then dear sister Tina came along about 8 years ago, and I was so hooked on
> it. I didn't have the same "I have to have it NOW" as I did with Coke. I
> HAD to have it, felt that if I didn't get home from work and snort up a
> storm, then go clubbing (NY at the time then Boston) until 2-3a and then
> home with a bunch of guys for a few hours, then nap until 6a the off to work
> to do again. But the overwhelming part was the HAVE to have.
>
> Tina snuck up on me. I was a fabulous time and the sex was perfectly
> beyond words. Then my life went to shit. My now Ex became obsessed with
> it, he'd do anything or anyone to get it. I found myself helping him in it,
> but lived by the "I loved to watch him get fucked", not the "I'm pimping my
> partner" (self-edited for content). I finally woke up one morning with a
> carving knife in his hand about 6" from my neck. I moved the next week.
>
> I continued to use, knowing that the main reason for my used was to keep
> an even keel with him. Great excuse, huh? However, after I snuck out of
> our life and home while he was at work, I continued to use the same. I
> caught myself and slowed down but, well, you know the rest.
>
> I finally degenerated to bathhouse 4-5 times a week on average. Tons of
> it up my veins and being a functioning top at a bathhouse, again, you get
> the pictured. I lost my job because of the brain tumors, or the tumors are
> worsening my arrhythmia, or my T cells are dropping like Texans at the Alamo
> because of the chemo to keep the tumors in check. The list goes on and on.
>
> Finally, Easter, I stopped because the warnings of my cardiologist and
> neurologist that if I continued I'd be dead by the end of the year if I
> didn't quit. So I did. Then 23 days later my brother and his wife were
> killed in a car crash. I got the message 10 minutes before a CMA meeting.
> I should have stayed, true, but NOTHING or NO ONE would stop me from using
> until I got the highest ever.
>
> This turned out to be a good thing. I got high, kinda, and the more I
> tried, the less it worked. I literally left the bathhouse, gave the rest to
> a buddy I know there and as of today, am 32 days clean. And it has been a
> struggle every step of the way.
>
> I have finally given over to G-d and the Universe. I know I will be the
> victor, with the help of others like me. This has been the hardest thing in
> my life, hard to believe considering the other stuff going on, and I never
> imagined it would be so difficult to walk away, like I did with the coke,
> yet still think every waking moment, and most nights. As time has gone on,
> I have worked her into my dream more frequently.
>
> I am so grateful for this and other blogs and websites that have put me in
> touch with others like me. Be it in their postings, writings, or meetings
> in my area (Denver). I am newly clean and am willing to do whatever it
> takes to remain that way.
>
> I want all to know that it is possible, and that "going out" and using
> happens. G-d gives us the tools and strength to do so, free will allows us
> to make a mistake, brush ourselves off, and move on. I testify to that
> whole-heartily.
>
> Will I remain clean for the rest of my life? I hope so. But, then again
> I may falter. The true testimony of the man (or woman) is in what he does
> afterwards.
>
> Continued success to us all. And for those in need, find the
> help, it works.



and just because i have changed addictions and become a youtube addict and love song references...oh and lucas black is da bomb!




http://www.addme.com/#1