it hardly seems possible that just 3 years ago next month i began the last of my meth binges. i had already sworn it off several times in the preceding year and a half, but just couldn't make it stick. i had stopped for months at a time, but staying stopped really seemed to be a problem. it was killing me, as a matter of fact. i honestly just wanted to throw in the towel and die. but i couldn't even seem to make that work.
i would step down from the amusement park ride for awhile, find a place to stay, get a job, get some sleep, and then my mind would go into a hypnotic state and there was nothing i could seem to do other than obey the "let's tweak" instructions that had been downloaded during one of my psychotic episodes. and there were quite a few of those.
i would get these server jobs at restaurants and i was honestly over that kind of work in restaurants. the managers were all younger than me and were towing a corporate line and it just held no appeal for me. even though i needed the job and the money desperately, i couldn't get past the humiliation and the cravings. and i would almost always create a situation that i could get angry over, then run out to the baths. and when that happened, i was usually invisible to the outside world for about 5-10 days. don't ask where i got the money. i found ways to procure it, both wholesome and not. nothing i am proud of.
well, the reason i bring this all up is because i am sometimes just amazed at how much my life has changed, and in how many ways. and i never thought it would get any better. but in spite of myself, it did. it has gotten better. it has been a breath of fresh air. my life is like a phoenix rising, a walk in the park, and a source of joy and inspiration for me.
if you are struggling, with addiction or with staying clean, i hope you can hear my words..... there are miracles in this life. there really are.... just believe in them, and get through the first year. don't do it alone. even though you have been spending most of your tweaking time alone, don't stay alone at this point in your life. there are people who have quit before you and they can and want to help. the difference is astounding. if you are interested you can read some more of my story here.
6 comments:
Actually Tina giving up an addiction is pretty easy really, I give up smoking 10 times a day!
Lol! Jokes apart I know what you mean. I am someone who has time and again kicked out his addictions like booze, smoke, dope etc. Yes it is hard and it is tough but once you put your mind to it you can achieve it.
PS: Which restaurant do you serve at? Maybe I can pay a visit too ;-)
lol- thanx for the kind words. yes it is possible to change habits. not the easiest thing tho. i haven't served in restaurants for a couple of years. i have started a treatment program: www.milehighmethproject.com and doing something good (hopefully) with my experience.
Please stay a miracle. I am one of those ex-addicts who thrives on your insights and sharing. For a while, I felt shame over my low paying job as a certified nursing assistant in an Alzheimer unit. Then, I realized, hey, the work was far from dull, it helped people who couldn't help themselves, and only I was looking down on me.
As I have read your posts, I admire the essential work you do.
i think the process of forgiving myself for not meeting expectations and falling short (as it were) was the most difficult and the most rewarding aspect of getting clean. i had held resentments against myself for being "less than" for years. thanx for your support staggo.
I still sometimes pinch myself just to see that THIS is real
I'm sure you have been a beacon of hope for many people. Looking good to my friend.
i am having one of those pinch myself weeks d- i wonder how i got here. it seems so far away from the desperation i had known so well.
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