healing

photographs are taken by joachim baldauf and published in der subjektive mann a study of the male form available at www.printkultur.de




i just got off the phone with my sponsor. i love talking with him. he is so supportive of my efforts and always has such perceptive things to add to some of my quandaries and challenges. we discussed my decision to pour beer at a fundraiser. the part he focused on was not my concerns about the possible ramifications, but more on the fact that i prayed on the question before i made a decision. and honestly, this is a practice i have taken on since i have been taken under his wing on my journey back to life.

we also discussed the upcoming cape cod trip and he asked me again about my sexual and relationship ideal. this is a part of step four that most times seems to get overlooked. he stressed that this is an imperative if a guy is to have some direction when he is in the field. if i don't know what i'm looking for in some specific framework, i am likely to get sidetracked and perhaps even jump the tracks i'm travelling on.

this may all seem a bit dramatic and over-the-top. maybe it is. i don't buy that though. i think it must be sound thinking. i have attempted to use the pheromone technique of mate selection for a long time. i haven't really had very fruitful (or even thoughtful) results. i would like to see change happen in this area of my life. truth be told, i have not actually sat down and drawn out a description of my ideal. i did try, but i couldn't do it. i have balked at the exercise because i have trouble thinking i deserve happiness. i have honest deep seated feelings of inadequacy and lesser value. this is not dramatic. this is a square-in-the-face look at my own situation.

so i know that trusting my instinct doesn't work for me around this part of my life. i know that my first feelings are not a healthy resting place for my self reflection. but they have resided there for so long like refugees in the mountains. it might be time to flush them out. i need change in my life. i need to make this journey personally, so i can understand the challenge for others. i need to believe in myself. and i hope to carry this message with me. i now know firsthand that these difficult and heartbreaking and life altering quests that we endure and survive, can actually transform our thinking and our hearts into gentle giants with comparison to our former selves. i believe this is a journey worth taking. i trust it is an adventure. i hope it leads to transformation.

in the spirit of page 69 (gotta love it!) i lifted this from misery is optional

Sexual Conduct

The Big Book tells us on page 69 that we all have sex problems and that we wouldn't be human if we didn't. Nevertheless, some people may wonder why it is necessary to examine our sex conduct in order to get over alcoholism. First reason is that many of us have feelings of guilt and shame connected with past conduct and with thoughts that run through our heads in connection with sex. Guilt and shame are resentments against ourselves and so we must write these down as we do other resentments as part of our step 4. We are told on page 75 that we must illuminate every dark cranny of the past and reveal each one to a trusted person in order to get over our drinking. We are also given the good news: that as result of this process we can finally look the world in the eye.

However, we must go further still. Even if we initially feel no guilt or shame, we must look for those occasions when, as the Big Book says, "we had been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate; hurtful -- and where we had aroused jealousy, bitterness and suspicion." We had to be thorough here too. In fact we are told that we must subject each relation (that is, each sexual act) to this test. We had to be as fearless and thorough about this part of our moral inventory as any other. We start looking at past behaviour in a new light. Did we use someone for sex? If so, it is selfish. The fact that the other person willingly goes along with the arrangement does not necessarily alter the fact that it is selfish. It might be a case of two people cynically using each other. Even if we couldn't say that our conduct was selfish, we had to ask ourselves was it even inconsiderate? Here's another situation: in heterosexual sex whatever precautions are taken, there is always some chance of the creation of human life. We had to be considerate, in line with what the Big Book tells us, and consider whether or not we would behave lovingly or selfishly towards that newly created human life?

Later on, as part of Step 5, we give an account of our secret thoughts to our sponsors. Many revealed things to our sponsors that we had never told anyone before. (This is applicable also to all our darkest thoughts, not just those of a sexual nature). To be told that nobody can help the thoughts that pop into their heads and to discover that we were not the only ones who think like this is a great relief. In fact despite all that we had revealed, many of us were told that we were just "pretty average alcoholics".

It is through this process that we have started to look at our past sex conduct in a new light, and we can start to form an idea of what will be the best approach in our future sex conduct - the book calls this a sane and sound ideal. We must be prepared to try to work towards this ideal in the future. We can rest easy that however many times we fall short, as long as we continue to try, we will not drink. However, if we are not prepared at least to try to change, and our sex conduct continues to harm others, we are told categorically that we are quite sure to drink. This warning tells us why this part of our inventory is so important.

We are told that counsel with persons is often desirable here and we found our sponsors invaluable in directing us to these questions in accordance with what the Big Book says and helping us to analyse each situation properly. We were inclined to hide bad motive behind good in this area more than any other and an objective viewpoint from our sponsors helped us to cut through that. In the final analysis though, each individual must answer these questions honestly for themselves. We sometimes we hear that no one can judge our sex situation, but in fact this is not quite true and we are not left completely to ourselves. The Big Book tells us that there is a judge: God. As the book says: God alone can judge our sex situation.