sunrise

 

about a year after i finally got clean and could stay meth free for more than a few months, i was offered a job in the hiv services field. i had been plus (that's positive) since 1985, but had never really participated in helping too many others, besides friends and acquaintances, and i was in serious denial about my own health and longevity. i had witnessed so much horror around this virus that i really didn't have the gumption to immerse myself in it as so many of my peers did. (and thank god they did). 

it was an entry level position as an advocate and i think the premise for offering me the job was that meth was such a problem in the gay men's community, with relapse being such a part of our stories, and i had somehow come through the other side of that. i think there was a hope that i might help others do the same. so part of my duties was (and is) to co-facilitate a support group for hiv plus persons at a clinic and  model some success. i was also to assist pwh who are currently out-of-care to find their way and comfortably access medical and life care.

i really wasn't sure that i was up to the task. i really only knew two things. i couldn't continue to wait tables for a living any longer and that 1) i had prayed for something new to come my way and 2) this and one other service training position were offered to me in the same week. i had already said yes to the advocacy position so i stuck with it, even though the training position was almost twice the money. www.ittakesavillagecolorado.org

i have not regretted my decision at all. quite the contrary, i have blessed this job on repeated occasions. it has allowed me to grow and become strong in so many areas of my life. i have come to realize that with twenty two years of living with hiv, i have developed some insights and some skills around survival, that have meaning and worth to other people, just as my story has offered some people some direction and hope at a time when they might have really needed it. and the drug addiction history gives me a base of understanding that many of my peers who are "normies" really do not possess. then being bi-polar and having submitted to medication has allowed me to understand the many challenges and difficulties around mental health for people.

today, i am humbled by the journey of the last two years. i realize that i have so much more distance to travel, and i hope i am up to the task. i maintain trusting the process, although that alone has a smorgasbord of challenges.  but it also has a major reward. that being not having to control everything that is going on in my life.  i don't have to feel compelled to strategize about everything. i can let go of that compulsion and grow belief and trust. and that makes me a saner, kinder, more happy-go-lucky person.

so if you are new to recovery, or considering it, i say to you: there isn't a journey i have taken in my life that has been more challenging, more rewarding, and more fulfilling than getting clean. it takes patience, diligence, and surrender, but it's promise and rewards are real. and if  you are feeling isolated and alone and dejected, i understand. but there will be others along your path who soothe that pain and discomfort and take you to a peaceful place. so let them into your life. and try to remember that although it may be very dark and hopeless right now, daylight comes every day without exception. there is light at the end of the tunnel.