h e l p

sunday, while driving back from winter park, i was listening to a recording of a speaker from the florida roundup 2005 and i got an additional aha. he was talking about spending his fortune(and he had been making a LOT of money) on some cowboy daddy for the four years prior to his bottoming out and getting into 12 step. the cowboy had taught him how to shoot up meth and then he spent the next four years basically spending through his money trying to keep the guy from running out on him while he tried to stay high. he had been jailed 5 times, had ruined his career and had been shot by a crossbow by this cowboy(who is currently in prison for attempted murder). cleaning up i hope.

as i listened to him speak about being addicted to this man as well as being addicted to meth, i realized that there are real similarities for me. i was not addicted to any particular man, but i was addicted to a ritual. a sexual ritual, one that i had been repeating over and over for years, with no real concern about the person who it was with. as long as the ritual stayed the same and took place, it didn't really matter who it was. treating men like kleenex or handi-wipes. tricks. this is the thing that has stood out for me from my earlier 4th step, and has kept me numb for the year since i worked that step. i cannot really imagine myself beyond that point.

i know that they say that to forgive oneself is the beginning of the healing, but i never thought i would be able to get to that point. this weekend retreat has indeed helped me to see that i was (and still am) sick and could not help myself. i was doing the best that i could and the only thing i knew how to do. and now i have the opportunity to let go of that behavior and change my motives. i need to take action. the caution here for me is that i have told myself so many times over the years that i would never do certain things again. i told myself i would never have a hangover like that again. i would never drink and drive again i would never miss work again. i would never shoot up again. i would never put myself in those dangerous situations again. and yet i found myself engaged in those very activities with regularity. and i am having difficulty finding trust for myself around this. if i cannot let go of this mindset and this behavior that i have grown beyond, then how can i be free? how can i make room for something better in my life? i engaged in behaviors this past weekend that are not in line with my ideal, and the hook for me was that "sex as validation" piece. i was almost driven to it as if i had been hypnotised. is it all i think i can do? is it all i think i deserve? i know i am ready to try something different, but how?


and because i don't know how to make this change, or where to start, i am going to employ another idea from this speaker's message. take a bar of soap and write H-E-L-P on my bathroom mirror and everyday when i shave, i can read it and remember -

His Ever Lasting Presence

and ask for help from that presence on a daily basis. and at night go into the bathroom and say thank you if i have gotten through another day. i have seen enough miracles in my own life to accept that there is a power greater than me at work. i just always forget that it is okay to ask for help when i don't know what to do next. and you know, i think that help may already be on the way. after all, there is the power of intention that i have come to believe in so well.

i would love to make available online this speaker's recording, but haven't figured out how to do it. i don't want to make it available to everyone, but would love to send it to interested parties. so if you can help me work out how to do this- please get in touch.

these are the years i spent. and this is what they represent. and this is what's in my head. and this is how i feel.