finding balance

i think david beckham is da bomb! don't you?

it's set! i will be going to la for cmala at the end of this month. flights are secured and registration is paid. i have a friend who just moved to palm springs and will be in la for a tony robbins seminar that i will try to share a room with.

i am hoping to spend some time w/marc while i'm there. he makes my heart smile. and he has created a line of greeting cards that i love and i would like to get some to bring back with me. (maybe 4 sets)....

i really need meetings right now in my life. i need a fellowship from which to gain sustenance, too. certainly this is a lovely and important message for me. and, i can also use some time away. i still have that amends to do with a family member and that person lives in manhattan beach. i am going to try to facilitate that. much of this very recent mess is wholly reminiscent of this particular familial relationship, and i believe that if i don't make a stronger effort to heal the big one, it will keep reappearing in my life just as it has done again.

i have begun to look around for other efforts to get involved with. just as chris is doing with his relationship intention, i am working on in a vocation arena. i am creating space for something new to move into my life.

i have started a new affirmation which is "i am happy, healthy, and whole. i am immersed in abundance and support"

circle of happiness

i found myself in the middle of terror this week. i felt like my world was turning inside out. and i think it is doing just that. happiness is knowing that i'm going to be all right even when i'm in the middle of a storm. happiness is finding and knowing peace.

and here is what lexx is saying about happiness at his nexxus

when a stranger calls

i was greeted with this lovely piece of fanmail yesterday as my day began. you know i am reminded often of how lucky i am in my life. my happiness may not be over the top, but i trust it is solid, calm, and hopefully stable.

i hope the purpose of my sharing this letter is to show that recovery does not come without challenges. it's not life that sends us into a tizzy, it's our reaction to it. i hope this very sad author can find the help he needs.

Dear supportors of Rod rushings,

I would like to express my outrage for you all placing this guy in the public
spot light. i have been watching this queen move around Denver like she forgot
who she was, a nasty drug addict like the rest of us. how did Rod Rushings
become the spoke's person for the AIDS Planning Council given his sexual and
mental health issues not to mention he's a meth sex addict? what is the
back-ground check, who checks to see if he's for real with the things he's
saying. Mr. ...... i am surprised he works as a gay out reach worker, do you
even know what he was like at the clubs? do you even know who he really is? he
is all over town talking about how wonderful he is and most of you don't even
know. I met him several times, at the bath house, at ****. he was just at ****'s mental health housing program, and he's our leader? i question the
judgement of the AIDS Planning Council. several of us are shocked! you need to
investigate folks, Mr. ..... should know better to leave us stuck with this drug
addict and sex addict who claims to be in recovery. get a clue. do some
investigation into Rushings past.

please check him out!

marc- i know you will find this vid reference obtuse, but i think you'll get my meaning.

quatre

from nightingale

Imagine a life based on forgiveness of self and others ... a life based on shedding fear and accepting love ... resulting in a life of true inner peace.

That’s precisely what thousands of people are attaining through the study of this internationally recognized day-by-day self-study program. A unique blend of psychology, Christianity and Eastern philosophy, A Course In Miracles ® focuses on the practical application of the power of forgiveness and guides you to the peace of mind we all seek.

In this enlightening program, you’ll discover why forgiveness is the key to universal happiness ... why love depends on your willingness to give, rather than your desire to receive ... why changing the way you see the world works better than trying to change the world itself ... and why service is necessary for personal fulfillment.

i am sitting at home on my last night off this weekend and i am feeling as if i am on the verge of something. i don't think it's something bad, really, just something new. i somehow have come to understand that i am in a "role" much of the time and it is not always in my best interest. i think that i wait for difficulties to come forward in my life, or at least that is how i have been poised until now.

i find i have always expected things in my life to work against me. i find that i have always felt that i don't deserve to be happy. i think i believe in doing the next right thing, which is good and creates contentment in me, but i also have believed up until now that i have already used up my chances and that there is not really much "good" left for me.

i say "until now" because that is the key phrase here. it has suddenly (almost 25 years later) that indeed i do deserve happiness. i do deserve fulfillment. i don't have to carry around my shortcomings and my character defects like a badge of honor (or dishonor as it were). i don't have to feel like life has already passed me by. i have survived this long and the life that remains is not to squandered and not to be hidden away and saved for a rainy day. it is meant to be lived. it is meant to be savored. it is meant to be fragrant. it is meant to wear me out.

so i need to get busy. i need to work some more on acceptance and forgiveness of myself and of others. i need to find the light and shine it where it isn't seen.
i love tonight.

dreams

spence wearing his mom's bifocals... ain't he cute?

some random things leftover from sunday


i had repeat dreams on saturday evening. i slept very unsoundly and woke up several times. i dreamt twice that i was living in an apartment that was split by a public hallway. the unit was on the ground level and the bedroom was on one side of the hall and the rest of the unit was on the other. the bedroom was broken into and robbed. all my clothing was gone. i opened my closet and there was nothing there.

the other one.. i was standing at what seemed to be belmont harbor in chicago and my current next door neighbor's mother had a small yacht heading in from lake michigan. the wind was fierce and picked the boats sail and tipped the boat over, knocking it top first into the water. it began to submerge quickly and i dove in to save her. i was swooshing down into the water as quickly as i could, but i couldn't keep up with the speed of the yacht sinking. i couldn't reach it.

i had both of these dreams twice.

i woke up feeling almost hung over. i have felt like that many times in my life, but not in the last few years. i realized i was blessed because i didn't have to worry about what was real. i knew these were dreams. i simply couldn't surmise the meanings.

ruben, alex, and i went to dinner on saturday after the meeting. i am feeling closer to these boys, the more time i spend with them. they are funny, smart, and very, very sweet.

went to a SIN breakfast on sunday morning. almost 20 guys! this is a great turnout for denver. and there were at least 5 new folks. we got 10 new members this week. i'm gonna work on a singles mixer.

am making a final decision about going to la for cmala at the end of this month. i have to check w/a friend to see if i can crash there and rent a car, or to get a hotel and not have transportation. another good friend of mine will be in la for a tony robbins workshop that same weekend.

drove up to my cousin's house near greeley and spent the night. we watched "the secret" and i went to bed early. i know that movie's concept very well, i guess i simply forget to make it a priority. it needs to be a priority. the following don henley lyrics could easily apply to the not-so-productive thoughts i have about myself:

I got the call today, I didnt wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

i thought you might like this version of these songs.... here are the lyrics for the first one... definitely poetry that speaks to me.